


The Way We Are

by ParkeRose



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Kevin Day, Bonding, Conversation If You May, Existential Sometimes, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mention of scars, Nothing to Something, POV Kevin Day, Secret Relationship, Sharing a Bed, Talking, Talking about Dead People, Unreliable Narrator, fluff again, hand holding, late night conversation, lots of talking, talking about abuse, this is very soft i'm not sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParkeRose/pseuds/ParkeRose
Summary: There's a fine line between loneliness and sorrow which Kevin Day crosses every day. It's odd but eventually he finds comfort in the presence of the most unexpected companion: Aaron Minyard.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Aaron Minyard
Comments: 175
Kudos: 217





	1. Observations & Flame Throwers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you want to go for a walk?”  
> Kevin stilled. What version of reality was this, where he went for a walk with Aaron Minyard at four a.m.?  
> He thought about it. Shrugged.  
> “Yeah. Let’s go for a walk.”

He didn’t want to admit it. He never wanted to admit it. 

Kevin was staring vacantly at the table in front of him. 

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. 

His eyes were burning. How many drinks was that again? He tried to count again but this time he gave up at four. The table was littered with glasses, the colourful lights in the club reflecting on the surface making everything look shiny and blue and red and yellow and-

Loud music, echoing in his skull, making his ears ring. He wanted to go outside but he. He didn’t know where the thought came from. 

He didn’t want to admit it but he was  _ very, overwhelmingly, extraordinarily  _ alone. 

He didn’t know where Andrew and Neil were, Nicky was definitely on the dance floor, in the middle of the hype. Always the life of the party. 

So, as the lights danced in his vision, the color of his eyes swimming around on everyone’s face, he thought about how terrifyingly lonely he felt, sitting there. Drunk. 

He thought,  _ Maybe I should go outside for a walk.  _

But then he thought,  _ I don’t want to go for a walk alone.  _

So he kept sitting there, trying to numb his brain. 

Aaron’s face smacked against the table and Kevin squinted at the realization that someone had been sitting next to him. Huh. 

Aaron Minyard. 

It was a little amusing to recognize that Aaron had been  _ right there  _ and Kevin had completely ignored him. 

_ Don’t be an idiot.  _

But what was he supposed to do? 

He looked at Aaron in silence. At first it was just a bored observation.

Aaron’s sleeping face was smashed against the table, mouth wide open, drooling with no care in the world. Sometimes, Kevin wondered why people thought the twins looked the same. Neil was adamant on explaining the differences every chance he got and Kevin couldn’t help but agree with him. Maybe it was the eyes, Kevin thought, looking at Aaron’s fluttering eyelids, long eyelashes fanning his cheek. Aaron’s eyes were softer? Maybe. What about their noses? He thought maybe Andrew’s nose looked longer sometimes. But still, he wasn’t sure. 

Then, his eyes snagged on Aaron’s lips. 

Then,he couldn’t look away. 

He kept trying to go back to thinking about differences. Differences. Differences. He was supposed to be differentiating between the twin’s features and how their noses and eyes and-

What was he even thinking about? 

Aaron has nice lips, his mind supplied. 

_ Unhelpful. Take that back.  _

But, of course. His subconsciousness was never cooperative. 

Now, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

Aaron eyebrow twitched and he lazily brought a hand up to scratch his forehead. Slowly, Aaron woke up.

Kevin observed as Aaron let out a breath. Then, another breath. His eyes seemed to be fighting the urge to stay closed but gently, like he had all the time in the world, Aaron opened his eyes and saw Kevin. 

Kevin’s eyes widened, still burning. He looked away. 

He could feel Aaron’s gaze on the side of his face, confused and disoriented. 

“What time is it?”, Aaron grumbled, raising his head from the table and wiping the edge of his mouth, self consciously. 

Kevin opened his phone to check. “One a.m.”

“We should head back”, Aaron said, sleepily. 

Kevin couldn’t agree more. He needed to sleep this out of his system. He nodded towards Aaron, who now had his arms crossed on the table, his face hidden. He wouldn’t be able to look at Aaron until all these uninvited thoughts had vanished from his mind. 

It took Andrew ten minutes after Kevin’s call to come back. Neil was tugging along Nicky who was scream-singing whatever song was playing. Kevin ignored the high flush on Andrew and Neil’s faces, their swollen lips and lazy peace. Kevin was happy for them.

They piled into the Maserati and Kevin  _ didn’t _ look at Andrew and Neil’s hands intertwined on Neil’s lap in the passenger seat. And he didn’t look at Aaron’s hands right after. 

He couldn’t wait for the night to be over. For these thoughts to pass. 

_ Aaron fucking Minyard of all the people.  _

He was sitting beside Kevin, asleep, and when his head lolled over to Kevin’s shoulder as he slept, Kevin shifted to make the position more comfortable for him. He would’ve done that for anyone. It was slightly painful to ignore the way his heartbeat stuttered every time Aaron let out a breath near his collarbone. Kevin looked out the window. 

The ceiling above the couch was very uneven. Kevin had spent many nights in this position, putting names to useless shapes. He wanted to talk to someone. His mouth felt dry and he couldn’t sleep. He wanted to go to sleep. He raised his arm above himself and pointed his hand upwards, tracing the air.  _ Eyes, nose, lips.  _ If he was an artist he would sketch the image out of his system. If he was a musician, he’d sing it out of his lungs. But he wasn’t either of those things. All he knew was how to play Exy and survive. 

Now, that wasn’t true, he knew. He liked many things outside of the sport his life depended on. He liked history, alcohol, those shoes Andrew gave him for his birthday last year- 

Aaron stumbled into the living room and Kevin froze, his hand stilling in the air. 

Then, Aaron was holding his head and crossing past Kevin’s couch to get to the kitchen. Kevin contemplated between sitting there and going to the kitchen. 

The kitchen light was dim enough that the white looked blue and didn’t startle more pain in Kevin’s eyes. Aaron was leaning against the counter with his face towards the sky and his eyes closed. There was a half empty bottle of water in his hands. His hands were very different from Andrew’s. Aaron’s physique, posture, everything was different. He was slightly taller, less bulky, more-

“What are you doing here?”

Kevin cleared his throat, opening the fridge and grabbing some water, raising the bottle in answer.

“Finish this one”, Aaron said, offering him his own. “Don’t open another.”

Kevin nodded, keeping the other one back. He didn’t want to think about how Aaron had put his mouth on- 

“Can’t sleep?” Aaron asked. Kevin gulped down the water in two breaths and nodded. 

Aaron relaxed and rubbed his forehead. “God, my head fucking hurts.”

He didn’t know how to carry a conversation so he decided to leave. He didn’t know why he’d thought this would be a good idea. He’d never been close to Aaron before, that wasn’t going to change in a night unless a miracle happened. 

And then.

“Is that my jacket?” Kevin asked. 

Aaron looked down at the orange and white mess he was wearing hosting a “2” and the Foxes logo on it. It was two sizes too big on him. Aaron looked surprised to notice as well. 

“Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Sorry”, he said, and began to take it off. 

“No, keep it”, Kevin said, quickly. Aaron looked up, confused. “It’s fine. Keep it. It’s cold.”

Aaron fixed it on himself again and nodded. It was just a jacket, really. 

Kevin turned around, heading to the couch. Then Aaron asked:

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

Kevin stilled. What version of reality was this, where he went for a walk with Aaron Minyard at four a.m.?

He thought about it. Shrugged. 

“Yeah. Let’s go for a walk.”

Fresh air was good for headaches, apparently. They drank more water and left the house quietly. Kevin breathed deeply and walked slowly, Aaron matching his pace, hands stuffed in the jacket which Kevin was successfully keeping his gaze away from. He was wearing Kevin’s jacket, for fucks sake. What was Kevin supposed to think after the night had terrorized his mind so much already?

“So”, Aaron said, after a few minutes of silence. 

“We don’t have to talk.”

Aaron spun around slowly to face Kevin while walking backwards. Kevin sent a cursory glance to the path behind Aaron to make sure it was clear then turned his attention back to Aaron’s face. Aaron was looking at him as well. 

“We never really do”, Aaron said. 

“Good observation. You’re practically a detective.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, trying not to let his smile show at the comment.  _ Good. Keep it hidden _ , Kevin thought, not really sure what he would do if he saw Aaron smile on this curious night.

“But we can. We should. We’re teammates, c’mon.”

“We’ve been teammates for three years Aaron.”

‘And”, Aaron drawled, “Neil started enough shit, no one ever got the time for team bonding.” 

“Team bonding? You’re big on team bonding?” Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow. 

They were walking slowly, Aaron never stumbled once even though Kevin kept expecting him to, for some reason. The streetlights were a strange glow on Aaron’s face, he looked almost lively. Crickets chirping, dull orange hues, front yard trees of passing houses and waiting for Aaron’s reply. 

“We talked when we went skiing. At the mountain place thing.”

“Villa.”

“Yes. Rich people things. Matt’s fifteenth house. Whatever.” Aaron turned back around, seemingly tired of looking at Kevin. Surprisingly, Kevin wanted to laugh. They  _ had _ talked at the villa last winter when the Foxes decided to go skiing as a comfort trip for Neil and to fulfill Kevin’s promise to the media. It wasn’t so bad. If Kevin was brave enough he’d say he had fun.

“I had fun. Don’t tell Andrew”, Aaron said. 

The conversation at the villa was surprisingly about a book they both had read. Aaron, in high school and Kevin, sitting next to the fireplace in the cozy house. It had been a cold night, the fire soothing Kevin’s eyes and he’d been close to falling asleep on his chair when Aaron had walked in. 

“Late night conversations about a book.”

Aaron nodded. “Read anything new?” Dismissive? Conversational.

Kevin shook his head. Then, in a moment of slight, still drunk expertise, he shifted his footing to turn around and face Aaron. Aaron smiled.  _ Damn it all to hell. _

How was he supposed to explain this to Aaron? That he’d been reading his face all night and, in the next few days, could predict himself reading every single move of his. How could he explain to himself how much he wanted this attraction to die. 

He looked to the tree on his other side and heard a soft mew. He stopped. 

“There’s a kitten stuck in a tree, Aaron.”

Aaron looked at him for a moment, open-mouthed, and Kevin would have asked why but he was moving past him to get closer to the tree. 

“It’s so far up. How is this tree so tall?”

“Have you considered you're the one who’s-”

“Finish that sentence and I’ll put sprite in your coffee tomorrow morning.”

Kevin laughed. Aaron huffed. Then:

“Give me a boost.”

What? “What?” Kevin asked. 

“Wait, try to reach it, I think you can.”

Kevin moved forward, raising his arms towards the kitten. The poor thing was shivering, terrified. He couldn’t reach it. 

“I can reach it if I sit on your shoulders”, Aaron said, matter-of-factly 

“Right”, Kevin said, panicking. He sighed deeply and looked at the sky beside the tree. Here goes. 

“How are you supposed to do that?” Kevin asked, after a moment of quiet, confused staring. 

“I don’t know, you’re the insane athlete!”

“I don’t lift people up on my shoulders for the game!” 

Aaron frowned. “Matt lifted Neil the other day. How did  _ he  _ do it? Or. Wait. Down on your knees.”

Oh, Aaron. 

Kevin sighed, much heavier this time. Then, he knelt. Aaron put one foot over his shoulder, then the other. Then, his hands as well. 

“Don’t you dare fucking drop me, Day.” 

Kevin stood slowly. This might end very, very, badly, he thought, trying to keep his balance. But then, Aaron could reach the kitten. 

He coaxed it out from the branch, cooing gently. He lifted the small bundle into his arms and said, “Let me down.”

Kevin knelt again. 

He had to admit, he didn’t think this was where the night would go. 

Someone opened the light in the house they were standing next to. Kevin only had a moment to roll his shoulders before an old man was screaming, from his doorway, at them to get the fuck away from his house or he’d call the cops. That and some very offensive, very homophobic slurs. Aaron looked pissed, letting the kitten down. 

“Can you even lift the phone, dickbag?” Aaron asked, not politely. 

Kevin wanted to cover the cowering kittens ears. 

“You son of a bitch!”

“I was. She’s dead, now”, Aaron said, in a quiet voice to himself. Kevin's eyes widened a little. 

“I’m not fucking scared of you! It’s not difficult to kill someone!” 

Kevin’s eyes widened a little more. “Aaron”, he said, like he wanted to say ‘This is a bad idea.’ This was getting messy, really fast, and he wasn’t going to let Aaron fight an old man in his front yard at four-something a.m. 

“What?” Aaron asked, eyebrows furrowed towards the house. He looked ready to throw hands. No, Kevin thought, reaching for Aaron’s hand to drag him away. 

The old man came outside with a flamethrower. 

“Oh shit!”, Aaron said, expression changing completely. He took Kevin’s hand and turned them away, breaking into a sprint when they heard the man yell, “You wanna mess with me?!” behind them

They heard the sound of aimless flame throwing and ran faster. Kevin tried so very hard not to let the thought of their hands, in a fierce grip of each other, get to him. Tried so very hard and failed. 

He looked at Aaron’s back, running in front of him, dragging him along. Kevin looked behind them but the coast was clear, they were past the damage. Aaron stopped running close to his own house. They hadn’t gotten that far walking. 

Aaron breathed deeply, with his hands on his knees for a while. Then, leaned forward and vomited into some stranger’s bushes.

Kevin started laughing and couldn’t quite stop. 

Aaron was on his back on the footpath, when Kevin managed to open his eyes through the laughter. Aaron was laughing too, a hand drawn over his eyes. 

“What the fuck was that?” Aaron wheezed. Kevin shook his head, offering his hand to help him up. 

Aaron took his hand again and stood. Stumbled into his chest. Looked at Kevin, smiling. Looked away, smiling. Took his hand back and started walking towards his house.  _ Off balance, off-kilter, everything’s upside down,  _ Kevin thought, looking at Aaron’s back. 

“C’mon. That’s enough adventure for one night”, Aaron said softly. Residual laughter laced his voice. 

“Right”, Kevin breathed out and followed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually still don't know how you're supposed to lift someone on your shoulders, so, don't try at home. Tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness if y'all wanna discuss anything. Thank you for reading.


	2. Spiraling Thoughts & Judgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron leaned his head back against the wall and nodded. “Spare a med student some brain power.”  
> “You’re becoming a doctor in the middle of Neil’s monthly mob crises’. How bold.”  
> Aaron laughed. Loudly. 

He didn’t want to admit it. He never wanted to admit it. 

But the thing was, Kevin couldn’t really stop thinking about it. 

It was fun. That’s all it was. He could have had fun with anyone. Anyone on the team. It just happened to be Aaron. 

Aaron didn’t put sprite in his coffee the next morning. He barely paid any attention to Kevin, but. There was a moment. 

Everyone was in the kitchen, Nicky groaning into his hands, Andrew and Neil talking in whispers like they often did. Aaron was standing in front of the sink drinking water and Kevin was eating a bowl of cereal a few feet away from him. They kept looking at each other when they thought the other wasn’t. Their eyes met quite a few times, suppressed laughter making them shine a little brighter. 

When Kevin was done, he reached forward to keep the bowl in the sink and a second later Aaron offered him his half full water bottle. Kevin took it, wordlessly, watching Aaron walk backwards out of the kitchen. Silent admission that he remembered last night the same way Kevin couldn’t exactly forget it. Or his thoughts about Aaron. 

New and terrifying. Exciting, possibly. Interesting. 

Now, Kevin couldn’t quite focus. 

Well, he could. He was used to blanking his mind in order to pay attention to one specific thing through years of experience but he was… distracted. In the simplest sense of the word, he was distracted. He’d sit down to study and a few minutes later his mind would drift from one point to another and always end up on Aaron fucking Minyard. Similarly, buying groceries, in the shower, staring at the dorm room ceiling before falling asleep.

Most people assumed Kevin was good at Exy because of learning at an early age. But, they usually forgot all the things he’d had to teach himself. Kevin was great at Exy, but he was excellent at obsessions. 

He could feel this unhealthy one creeping in on him like a silent poisonous snake. It made him want to reach out for liquid resilience, drink the thoughts away. This addiction was not something he could afford in the midst of all else. It was thoroughly ironic to want to chase one compulsion down with another. 

Besides, this was Andrew’s brother. He didn’t want to find out what the cost of being haunted by thoughts of Aaron was. He wasn’t a big fan of violence, generally. 

So, he was ignoring it, externally. And slowly dying, internally. 

He didn’t want to admit it. He never wanted to admit it. 

He wanted to talk to Aaron again. And, truly, that was all he wanted to do. 

They weren’t ever alone. And surrounded by people, Kevin felt like it would destroy the purpose. That and he wasn’t sure how Aaron would react and he didn’t want to find out. Kevin flushed with embarrassment at the thought of trying to talk and being met with indifference. 

Differences. He’d been noticing so much more. 

Aaron was quiet in a much different way than Andrew. Aaron was also not as good at concealing his emotions like Andrew was. It was easy to distinguish them because Kevin was one of the few people who knew Andrew better than others. Another thing people often forgot about his life was that Andrew Minyard had been a steady friend since the moment they’d resolved their issues when he got here. The awkward label of guard dog they gave Andrew bothered him, but Andrew didn’t like other people fighting his fights for him, so Kevin had never intervened. 

He didn’t want to mess up his friendship with Andrew by admitting he was slowly losing his mind. 

Then, there was Neil. 

Neil didn’t get along with Aaron, generally. But Kevin knew they shared some interests; mostly minimalist food choices and a dangerously slow music taste.  _ He knew about others and what did they know about him?  _ he thought. 

All Kevin had was time to discover new things, now that Riko was gone and his own life bargained with. All he did was look at the others and wonder how different he was himself. How wickedly cruel the principles he had been raised on were. 

He’d told Andrew about it and Neil understood through experience. But they wouldn’t know what it was like. They wouldn’t understand what it was to hate someone so thoroughly and still miss them when they were six feet under. 

“Where’s your head today?” Neil was leaning against the locker Kevin was stuffing with his uniform. 

“Right here”, Kevin said, dismissively. Neil raised an eyebrow. 

“Missed a shot out there you could have taken in your sleep.”

Kevin stilled at being reprimanded. It was a weird feeling trying to align Neil as his captain now. He wasn’t used to taking him so seriously. 

He nodded. “Sorry. Yeah.” His voice sounded blocked, unlike his own. He cleared his throat. 

Neil nodded. “It’s fine.” 

Silence between them. The locker room was buzzing. Freshmen discussing their plans for the summer. Matt was on call with Dan. Andrew was outside, smoking probably. Aaron was passing by them to get out of the room. Kevin’s gaze followed him. 

Neil didn’t notice. He usually didn’t notice these things, it wasn’t him Kevin was worried about. 

Andrew would figure it out with one stray look. Andrew would hate him for this. 

Kevin’s heart fell quietly to his feet, as it did many days. It wasn’t a good day, he told himself. He was spiralling. He should eat. 

He didn’t eat. When he reached the dorm, he crashed onto the bed and was asleep within seconds. It had been the last practice before summer. And he’d ‘missed a shot he could have taken in his sleep’.

He woke up around nine p.m. and stared at the wall next to him. He didn’t want to leave the Court behind for so long but they’d go to Columbia tomorrow and stay there for the next four to five weeks. Then move to Abby’s.

Kevin felt like he was invading space. He always felt like he was invading space. He didn’t know whether it was taking too much of it or taking any at all, either way, he was lost. 

He wasn’t related to anyone in the group. He wasn’t in a relationship with any of them. He hadn’t even been talking to Andrew and Neil, recently. They rarely saw past each other. He didn’t want to bother them. 

There was a knock on the door. He looked at the time. 

9.13. 

He sighed. “It’s open.”

Aaron walked in like he owned the place, jumping over to the end of Kevin’s bed after kicking off his shoes and snatching away Kevin’s blanket to wrap himself in a burrito. 

“By all means”, Kevin said, in attempted sarcasm. Really, he didn’t mind a bit.

Aaron let out a breath so heavy Kevin worried how long he’d been holding it. 

“What’s wrong?” Kevin asked, hesitantly.  _ This _ wasn’t normal. Or expected. Kevin didn’t know what to do. 

Aaron looked at him, pondering. There was an obvious question on Aaron’s face. Should he confide in Kevin? 

Kevin was in dire need of some conversation, he would have given an ear to Nicky’s rambling enthusiastically if Aaron hadn’t shown up. Through Kevin’s impression of Nicky, he was one of the best people to go to for conversation. He was easy to talk to and kept the words flowing steadily. Kevin wished he was more like Nicky, sometimes. But then again, he was envious of everyone. 

“I don’t know”, Aaron said, in a voice that suggested he was choosing  _ not  _ to tell Kevin. Kevin wasn’t offended, but he wouldn’t have minded being there for someone. Would have made him feel better after the lousiness the day had brought. 

“Hey, have you eaten?” Aaron asked. 

Kevin shook his head, turning his sleep-warm face into his sleep-warm pillow. He closed his eyes. 

“Neither have I.” Aaron still sounded confused. “We should. Eat.” 

Kevin hummed, sleepily. 

“Are you still with Thea?” 

Kevin opened one eye. “No”, he said, heart beating faster. 

“Oh. Why?” Aaron’s eyes on him were intent and cautious. It hadn’t been a suggestion, Aaron genuinely wanted to know. Even he didn’t, well. 

“I was afraid of her. She reminded me too much of the Ravens.”

Aaron didn’t look surprised. “I went to Katelyn’s house for dinner last weekend.”

Kevin knew that. They hadn’t gone to Columbia and Kevin had spent the nights at Court and the days sleeping over hangovers. He’d been a bit too sick on Sunday, but he hadn’t complained. He was getting used to upset stomachs and throbbing headaches. 

“And?” he prompted, in a quiet voice. 

“They’re fucking insane people.”

Kevin sat up, taking the other end of the blanket. He took one of his pillows and hugged it, passing the other to Aaron. Aaron took it, uncertainly. To a certain extent, he understood why Aaron had come to him for this. Going to Andrew with a relationship problem would be stupid, considering he’d likely offer to kill them all. Neil had no experience. Nicky, as understanding and compassionate as he was, was Aaron’s cousin and Kevin assumed it wouldn’t be quite as undemanding to talk to him about this. Betsy was out of the question. 

“How?” Kevin asked, eyes eager to know. It wasn’t that he thought he had a chance with Aaron. He was just willing to take whatever he got to fill the heavy feeling in his chest. Or at least that’s what he told himself. 

Aaron shook his head.

“They don’t- They won’t understand. Their problems are so different, their lives are completely unfamiliar. They have family pictures hanging around and all her older siblings have expensive jobs. Their house”, he said, exasperatedly, “is like the size of that mountain place thing.”

“Villa”, Kevin supplied, smiling into his pillow. Aaron ignored him, barreling on. 

“And they”, Aaron stopped for a moment and sighed deeply, looking at the ceiling. “They kept looking at me like I was about to kill someone in the house.” 

He said it so softly, Kevin thought he’d imagined it. It took a moment for Kevin to understand why this was an issue. 

Aaron’s trial had been one of the most difficult times for both Andrew and Aaron. Andrew had Betsy, Neil, Renee and him supporting him every step of the way. Kevin didn’t know who Aaron had had besides Nicky and a reluctant Andrew, who’d been more than distant during those days. And, Katelyn, of course. 

“Katelyn told me her parents think I shouldn’t have killed  _ him. _ ” There was enough disgust in Aaron’s tone to drown in. 

“He deserved it.” Kevin said. 

“I know”, Aaron said, closing his eyes. “I’d kill him again if I could. I wanted to kill them too for saying it. Maybe that’s why they hated me so much. I didn’t really try to be civil after her mom kept staring at the table knife in my hand. They didn’t even let me see the nephew she brags so much about.”

“And Katelyn?”

“Kate is”, Aaron began, “She’s different. I liked her because she didn’t have the same problems as me, I thought, yeah, I could do well with that. But I can’t. I can’t understand her anymore. I don't know what to do.”

_ Break up with her.  _

“Talk to her. I’m not exactly an expert. But I know talking helps.”

Their eyes met and he could see Aaron recognize the meaning behind his words. It was quiet as Aaron nodded, slowly. “You’re right”, he said. Kevin pursed his lips and stared at his hands. 

“Do you talk to Betsy?”

“Only about her health and mine. Nothing emotionally heavy. I don’t think she’ll understand me or my thoughts.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

“Maybe she would. I don’t know. She helps Andrew.”

“You help Andrew too.”

Kevin’s eyes widened comically. “Me?”

Aaron laughed softly. “Yes. He talks to you more than he talks to Nicky and I.”

He wasn’t wrong. But as far as help went. “Andrew helps himself.”

He had gotten better, Kevin had noticed, and it wouldn’t have been possible if Andrew wasn’t willing to help himself. Aaron looked like he was just now realizing the words were true. Kevin smiled. 

“Who helps you, then, Exy Queen?”

“Not a very creative taunt. The freshmen got there before you did.” 

Aaron leaned his head back against the wall and nodded. “Spare a med student some brain power.”

“You’re becoming a doctor in the middle of Neil’s monthly mob crises’. How bold.”

Aaron laughed. Loudly. 

Kevin captured the image in his mind, consciously or unconsciously, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it until his heart emptied itself of its fast, fluttering beats whenever Aaron was nearby. 

The only solution to the way his heart was skipping beats right now was if it stopped altogether. He wasn’t going to get rid of these feelings easily if Aaron kept laughing this way. 

_ He has very nice eyes when he laughs.  _

Sometimes, Kevin wanted to roll his eyes at his own thoughts. What a stupid, little thing to apprehend. 

Aaron’s laughing eyes. But the fact was such, he couldn’t help but laugh along. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all ever want Kevin to be happy? Yeah, me too. Soon.  
> Thank you for the kudos and comments, they are always appreciated! Take care, lovely people, and once again my Tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness, if y'all wanna go off about this rare gem of a ship.


	3. Diets & Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin’s blinked fast. “What the fuck, Aaron? Why didn’t you tell me?”  
> “I forgot.”  
> “You forgot.”

Kevin had found a way. 

Before they left for Columbia the day after Aaron’s rant, Kevin found a pair of sunglasses he’d bought once and forgotten. A blessing in disguise, he’d only taken them along to beat the sun considering his never ending headache was still present. Then he’d realized he could spend the entire car ride looking at Aaron staring out the window without being caught. 

Then he felt like a creep so he fell asleep looking at the headrest in front of him.

The car ride wasn’t quiet, the music was all the way up, Neil had his window down. Kevin was lulled by the sound of fierce wind accompanied by Andrew’s recklessly fast driving. When they reached, Aaron was the one to smack his arm and wake him up. Kevin fixed his sunglasses that were sliding down his face, blinking slow. 

“Fucking finally”, Nicky said, as Kevin crawled out of the car, tucking his sunglasses in his collar and trying to regain consciousness. Neil had a bag slung over his shoulder, new things he always looked at in awe and took care of like they were living beings. Andrew took it from him, for no real reason. Kevin noticed Neil’s smile and looked away.

Aaron caught his gaze, shaking his head at his brother’s behavior. Kevin couldn’t help but grin. Aaron gave him a small smile in return. 

_ Fuck, whatever.  _

Kevin looked away from him too. 

“What’s the plan?” Nicky asked, slumping on the couch. Kevin didn’t push him off, just leaned against the wall. It wasn’t his house. 

Aaron nudged him with his shoulder for no reason as he passed by. Kevin spared him a glance but Aaron wasn’t looking his way. Maybe it was an accident. Kevin ignored it. 

“Sleeping”, Andrew said in response to Nicky’s question. Neil nodded. 

Kevin wanted to go to Eden’s but he didn’t say it. There was too much time, now. They could go tomorrow. And his head hurt. There’s probably alcohol in the fridge. He always felt sneaky when he took things in the house when no one was watching. It almost felt like stealing. 

He was waiting for the day some place would feel like home. He walked to the refrigerator, quietly, pulling out vodka from the freezer. 

Andrew walked in, promptly taking the bottle from him. “It’s 2 pm”, he said, as explanation. Kevin reached for it again but Andrew put it back in the freezer and gave him a look. Kevin sighed, slumping against the counter and looking out the kitchen window. He needed this. How was he supposed to deal with anything if he wasn’t a little drunk? Should he try to sleep again? 

“Kevin”, Andrew said, like he’d been saying his name for a while. Kevin rubbed his eyes and hummed in response. 

“Are you sick?”

Kevin shook his head. 

“Well. You look sick.” 

Kevin nodded. He could bet he looked sick. His diet the past few weeks had been more alcohol, less food piled up with vigorous exercise and the all consuming idea of kissing Aaron Minyard. He felt seconds away from vomiting at any given time. He didn’t think anyone had noticed. He still wasn’t sure if Andrew had.

Neil walked in, next. “Anyone else hungry or is it just me?”

“I’m not”, Kevin said, his mouth dry as a desert. 

Andrew looked like he was thinking very hard about something. Then he turned towards Neil and they had a moment of silent communication like they often did. Kevin rolled his eyes, crossing his arms across his chest. He felt like a child being judged for his actions. He didn’t need a lecture. He was about to leave when Aaron walked in. 

“I’m ordering pizza”, he said and Kevin’s stomach gave a sharp pain the next second. He closed his eyes and cursed out his brain and said, “Pepperoni”, he whispered. 

Aaron nodded. “Obviously.” Then left. 

Andrew shrugged at Neil and Neil shook his head. It took another second of  _ mind-numbing _ silence for Neil to launch in a discussion about Exy. Kevin felt like he wasn’t present throughout, even though he was answering questions and- 

“I think I’m going to take a nap.” Neil nodded and Kevin left the kitchen. 

Nicky had gone to his room but the couch wasn’t empty. Aaron was sitting in one corner, watching some random movie playing on the TV. The sound of crashing cars and explosions was driving him insane but Kevin didn’t have the heart to ask for something he couldn’t care less about. He curled up on the remainder of the couch, not bothering with a blanket. He wanted to close his eyes and keep them closed forever. 

Aaron placed his arm on Kevin’s legs, a casual touch, not unfamiliar. Normal. 

Except it wasn’t anymore. Kevin didn’t fail to notice Aaron had muted the sound on the TV. 

Just a single fucking moment where his mind was quiet. That’s all he wanted. He wanted to stop thinking so badly, he couldn’t explain it. 

“They’re worried about you”, Aaron said, after a while.

Kevin took the pillow of his face and it fell to the floor. He picked it up, without looking. “What?” Aaron pointed his eyes to the kitchen where Andrew and Neil were. “Why?” Kevin asked. 

“No offence, but you look like you’ve seen a ghost. No, you look like you’re seconds away from becoming a ghost.”

He would be much more willing to look at a ghost than Aaron’s mildly concerned face.  _ They’re  _ worried about you, not  _ I’m  _ worried about you, Kevin told himself, but it did little to ease the pain in his chest. 

“Yeah. Well”, Kevin said, not really going anywhere with the statement. Going into this sorrowful state wasn’t new for Kevin, but usually it was near Championships when the nightmares wouldn’t end. He’d never dreaded summer before, where all he could think of was how he was sharing the house with Aaron. It’s like his mind gave him grief on purpose, like a bouquet for being alive. _ Congratulations, here’s the last thing you need.  _

_ Stupid, stupid, obsessive mind.  _

It wouldn’t stop, no matter how much he begged. And soon the prayers to cease thinking would turn to praying for a cursory glance thrown his way. 

He hated himself. 

He remembered when he’d become this way towards Thea when they were at the Nest. She was in her senior year, Kevin in his first, but he hadn’t seen a problem with that until Jean told him her presence made him uncomfortable.  _ ‘She’s too much for you, Kevin. It’s not fair on you. Don’t do this to yourself.’ _

The problem wasn’t that she was too much. The problem was such: Kevin was obsessed.

And what could come between him and his thoughts when that happened?

Then there was the frightening feeling of when obsessions wore off. He remembered the exact day when he realized he didn’t care about Thea anymore. But he didn’t have the guts to say it until last year because he’d been terrified. He understood slowly that it hadn't been affection, only something familiar he couldn't let go of. He’d been realizing Jean was right about many things in his life, possibly because he’d grown up with Kevin. Sometimes Kevin wished he could talk to him, still. 

“Yeah, well”, Aaron repeated, after a second, turning his attention back to the television screen. Kevin took that as dismissal and covered his face with the pillow again. 

“You’re not a bad person to talk to”, Aaron said, after a while.

_ God, help me,  _ Kevin thought. He wasn’t religious, exactly, but he’d bet his life on anything at this point if his heart stopped fucking around this way. He hummed into the pillow. 

“I talked to Kate.”

That’s all he needed on top of the blinding way his brain was trying to escape his skull. “What’d she say?” he said, instead of screaming out loud. 

“She said, ‘I think we should break up.’”

Kevin took the pillow off his face. The light in the living room was low, coming from the kitchen, TV and through the heavy curtains on the window. The room itself was a mess Kevin’s drowsy eyes skimmed over just to avoid looking at Aaron as he asked, “And what did you say?” 

“I said, ‘yeah, alright.’”

“You broke up with Katelyn”, Kevin said, a little speechless. 

“ _ She  _ broke up with me. Apparently, family is more important”, Aaron said, in a tone that suggested how little he gave a shit. Dull light from the TV reflected on their faces. 

Kevin didn’t say anything, stared at Aaron a little open-mouthed. 

“What?” Aaron asked, looking at him. 

Peace wasn’t an option, was it?  _ He’s single, not interested.  _

Kevin rolled his eyes and hid his face in his pillow again. “Nothing. Just expected that to last longer.”

“I think a year is a long enough time.”

“A year? But-”

“We weren’t anything, then”, Aaron said, picking up on his thought process. It had been more than a year since Neil and Aaron shifted rooms. “I just needed to get out of the deal with Andrew and she was the closest thing I had to a friend, so she agreed to help me.” 

That. “What?” Kevin said, a little confused. Aaron laughed at his expense. He didn’t think anyone knew that. 

“Neil’s not the only good liar in the house”, Aaron said. 

“I’m not?” Neil asked, walking in and placing a bowl of fruits on Kevin’s chest before sitting down on the floor next to him. 

“You two should bond over your mommy issues and lies”, Kevin said, softly. Neil’s mouth was open wide in shock when Kevin looked and it startled a laugh out of Kevin and Aaron both. He didn’t look too offended, though, so Kevin took an apple slice and shoved it in Neil’s mouth before eating one himself. 

He managed to finish most of the bowl himself, realizing a while later what Neil had done. 

He didn’t know if he should thank him or not, so he flicked his forehead instead. Neil scrunched his nose up at Kevin. Kevin stuck his tongue out at Neil. 

Then Neil smiled, looking a little relieved. 

Kevin felt a little better. A little, but it was something. 

  
  


Kevin’s eyes swam over the crowd at Eden’s hoping to find a face that would catch his attention the same way the one beside him had. 

“Who are you looking for?” Aaron asked. 

“No one”, Kevin said and kept looking, skipping from one face to the other. Find someone to kiss. Someone to help him forget. Someone else. Someone not-

“Well, you look like you’re looking for someone.”

“Okay”, Kevin said, avoiding looking at Aaron. 

“Do you think breaking up with Katelyn was the right thing to do?”

Kevin sighed. “Yes.”

“Why?”

How was Kevin supposed to answer that? He finally turned his gaze towards Aaron who was holding a glass in his hand, his eyes intent on Kevin’s face.  _ They look golden,  _ Kevin thought. 

He didn’t want to look away for a second. He was surprised his idiotic, consuming thoughts hadn’t driven him to worship yet. 

_ Damn it.  _

“Because”, Kevin said. 

“Because?” Aaron swirled his glass along to the word. 

_ Because I would rather you date me, instead.  _

_ Shit.  _

“I don’t know”, Kevin said and looked away again. The song on the speakers changed. 

“You never dance?” Aaron asked. Kevin shook his head. Andrew and Neil were off somewhere again and Kevin could see Nicky this time, chatting with Roland animatedly. This was becoming a habit, he thought. Is this what every weekend was going to be like? Torturous poison in the form of talking about dancing and Aaron’s ex-girlfriend? 

“I used to”, Aaron said. Kevin  _ didn’t  _ need the image of Aaron dancing under fluorescent lights in his head but he had it. Kevin reached for another drink on the tray. He had been trying to drink a little less that night. 

In the hopes of leaving the house again at four a.m..

“I think I’m going to get my ear pierced”, Aaron said, randomly. Kevin furrowed his eyebrows over his glass. 

“I just think it’s time I get my ear pierced.”

“Is it the breakup blues?” 

“That’s not a thing.”

“It might be. Do you also want a tattoo, now?”

Aaron’s eyes widened like it was the best thing Kevin could have said. Kevin shook his head, no. Aaron nodded his head, yes. 

“You’re a genius, Kevin.”

_ You’re a genius, Kevin.  _

Kevin had been sighing a lot, lately. 

“We should go.” We. 

“I remember the tattoo artist I took you to for your face tattoo. They’re a friend of someone else I know, who lives close to our house. We should go.”

Wait a minute. 

“What do you mean you took me to a tattoo artist for my face tattoo? That was-”

“Andrew? Yeah, you kept calling me that all night. You were drunk as hell. I didn’t know at first, you just looked very, very sad, asking to go fix your tattoo. So, I took Wymack’s car and-”

Kevin’s blinked fast. “What the fuck, Aaron? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I forgot.”

“You  _ forgot.” _ Now that Kevin thought about it,  _ Andrew _ had been at the dorm when he’d gotten back. He didn’t know how to process this information. He drank more. And, now that Aaron wanted to get a tattoo, Kevin was possibly morally obligated to go with him. It was  _ their  _ thing. Kevin almost smashed his glass against his own head. He took to rolling it over his forehead instead. 

“Alright. When?”

“You know when”, Aaron said, smiling. 

_ Damn it.  _

  
  


  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love everyone's giving this. Slightly terrified of people disliking it as it goes on, but to be fair, I'm enjoying writing this as much as you guys are enjoying reading it. I hope you like this chapter as well. As always, kudos and comments are very very appreciated, bless you all and tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness, scream at me about this over there too if you'd like. Have a lovely day, stay safe.


	4. Old Friends & Safe Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tell me something about yourself”, he said.   
> Kevin kicked a pebble in his way. “Like what?”   
> “Anything.”

Four a.m. 

It  _ was _ becoming a habit. 

“Let’s go”, Aaron said, snatching a water bottle from the fridge and tugging Kevin along by the sleeve of his black jacket. Aaron himself was wearing Kevin’s jacket again. 

They didn’t walk quietly, this time. Aaron felt comfortable enough to launch into a discussion about anything and everything and Kevin, without the constant gaze of people around him, talked back with attention he contributed to his desire to listen. Not to, well. Aaron’s entire presence. 

Aaron  _ wasn’t  _ a quiet person, Kevin found out and by the time they reached the tattoo parlor, he had locked away so many secrets and quirks of Aaron’s his thoughts would be set for the rest of summer to think and think and think himself out of existence. Over Aaron Minyard. 

“Why is it open 24/7?”

“For people who sneak out to get tattoos. Like us”, Aaron said, greeting the person at the front desk and asking for someone named ‘Aaron.’ Kevin was confused for a minute until another person walked out grinning. He looked the opposite of Aaron: tall, arm’s covered in tattoos, in a black tank top and a face full of piercings. 

“Twin!”, Aaron two said. 

Aaron laughed, giving the man an elaborate high five. 

“High school friend”, he whispered to Kevin. 

“Dude, that’s Kevin Day”, Aaron two said. He looked a little in awe and Kevin didn’t really know what to do. The Foxes kept him grounded enough, he often forgot people knew him outside of his true personality. He smiled like he was on camera. 

“Oh”, Aaron said. “Camera smile.”

Kevin turned to him, still smiling. “Shut up,” he said, through clenched teeth. Aaron huffed, laughing again. The receptionist laughed too and Aaron two who Kevin realized was the tattoo artist, looked at him in wonder. 

“Do you need a tattoo?” he asked Kevin. 

“Uh, no. Aaron-”

“Aaron needs a tattoo?” The man looked at Aaron in shock. 

“Yes, his girlfriend broke up with him and-”

“You got  _ dumped? _ That’s not the Aaron I remember.”

“The Aaron you remember has changed a lot”, Aaron said. Kevin didn’t know if he sounded proud or upset. 

“I’ll bet. So, what do you need? Her name on your heart?” The man smirked and Aaron rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t know, I’ve never gotten a tattoo before.”

They looked towards Kevin. Kevin stared back, blankly. They looked away from Kevin. 

“I didn’t really think about it. Should I just choose something impulsively?”

“Nah, you’re not the impulsive kind”, the man pulled out a cigarette. “You always needed  _ depth  _ and  _ meaning _ . You still writing poetry?”

Aaron smiled and shook his head. He looked pleased to be in the presence of an old friend, someone who knew him from before his mother’s death and all the chaos that followed. Kevin didn’t know Aaron used to write poetry. He didn’t think anyone knew. 

“Won so many competitions in high school, this guy. He was good at fucking everything.” Aaron two told him. 

“Was he?” Kevin said, tilting his head to give Aaron a look. Aaron’s eyes met his own for a brief moment before he looked away. 

“Nevermind all that. Tell me what a good tattoo is.”

“Well, you could always go with the system and get-”

“Absolutely not going to do that, thank you.” 

“Okay”, Aaron two drawled. 

Kevin was looking about the place, the idea that he would be at a tattoo parlor had never crossed his mind. The wallpaper was dark green with off white patterns on it, the whole place was shrouded in colourful lights here and there but it wasn’t dark at all. A massive white light was shining overhead and Kevin squinted at the brightness. He was skipping from one object to another when his eyes caught the papers of tattoo ideas on the front desk he was leaning against. 

“That looks nice”, he said. 

It was a crown, not a large one, but simple. It looked nice and something that could be easily hidden with a dash of makeup if Aaron ever got tired of looking at it. Aaron followed his gaze, standing close enough for Kevin to overthink. 

“Yeah. It does. You think I should get it?” 

Aaron looked at Kevin, turning his attention fully towards him, waiting for an answer. Kevin reached up to scratch his face and found it burning with self-consciousness.

“Why are you asking me? Do whatever you want”, he said, decidedly. 

Aaron looked at him curiously. “Okay. Well. I think I should get it.” 

They were locked in a weird state. It didn’t feel like there was anyone else around them and Kevin was waiting for Aaron to look away. Aaron didn’t look away. 

Someone cleared their throat and Aaron blinked, shaking his head. 

“I-”, he said. Then took a deep breath. 

He told Aaron two what he wanted, above his elbow, just a small little thing in the spur of the moment. A slightly spontaneous decision, built for regret or love, that was for him to decide later. 

It didn’t take long and by the end of it, Aaron wasn’t even focused on his arm. Him and his old friend had been talking quietly on and off but now the man was concentrating and Aaron’s gaze was wandering. Kevin was leaning against the wall, looking at the ceiling, pretending not to notice Aaron’s eyes on him. It didn’t have to mean anything, he told himself. It didn’t and it wouldn’t. 

When they walked out, Aaron flexing his arm a little to bear with the pain, they started moving in silence. 

It weighed in on Kevin that he’d done something for Aaron to quiet down. Maybe he was too tired. Maybe-

“When did you get your tattoo?” Aaron asked, suddenly. Kevin knew he wasn’t talking about the chess piece.

He stopped breathing a little at the reminder but kept walking like nothing was wrong. He looked at his shoes and Aaron’s walking parallel to each other; the pacifying sound of even footsteps. He tried to find his voice. 

“Fourteen”, he said. He didn’t elaborate that it wasn’t his choice. Aaron probably knew, anyway. 

They were quiet again.

“I’m glad Katelyn and I broke up”, Aaron said. “I didn’t really like her. It was unfair to her, do you think?”

There he goes again, asking for Kevin’s opinion like it mattered. Kevin nodded in agreement. Aaron spun around abruptly, a new look on his face and began walking backwards again. 

“Tell me something about yourself”, he said. 

Kevin kicked a pebble in his way. “Like what?” 

“Anything.”

There were always a billion thoughts racing through his head, a million things he wanted to say to people and never did. But when asked, his mind went blank. He tried to think of something important and settled on :

“I really like sushi.”

Aaron looked like he wanted to laugh. “I’ve never had sushi.”’

“I hate pancakes. They make me want to vomit.”

“Okay, that’s slightly offensive”, Aaron said, easing up a little, letting out a smile. Kevin smiled a little too. 

“I have never been to an amusement park.”

“Neither have I? Do you  _ want _ to go to an amusement park?”

“Maybe, yeah”, Kevin said. Neil wasn’t the only one lacking in worldly experiences. His prison was being chased over the world, Kevin’s was underground with a monster now dead. 

Aaron stopped, grabbing Kevin’s arm. Kevin's focus was taken by the hold until he realized Aaron was saying something. 

“-might know where it is.”

“Where what is?” Kevin asked. 

“This abandoned playground I used to go to as a child. The swings were broken and shit, seesaw never worked. No one was ever there, it was pretty cool.”

“You used to go there as a kid? Weren’t you scared?” Kevin knew  _ he _ would have been, staying alone in places wasn’t his greatest skill. They started walking again, side by side, close enough that their arms brushed against each other from time to time. 

“No. I liked being alone. And my-,” Aaron broke off. Then shook his head and continued. “My mom didn’t know where it was. It was like my safe place.”

“Oh”, Kevin said, understanding. It reminded him of-

“At Evermore,” Kevin began, slowly,” sometimes at night Jean and I would sit in the top benches of the bleachers. Only when we were younger but it was nice. Safe for a while until-” Kevin broke off as well, looking at Aaron. Aaron nodded in a way that suggested he knew exactly what Kevin was talking about. Kevin shrugged, pursing his lips. 

“You were close with Jean?” Aaron asked. 

Kevin sighed. It was the question he’d dreaded being asked when he’d first joined the Foxes.  _ What about Jean? Were you two friends?  _ He’d thought and overthought Jean’s condition so much he’d nearly lost his mind over it. He’d wanted to go back just so he could be there for his friend. But no one had asked and he’d never answered the questions. He didn’t know how to.

“Yeah. We were close.” Close enough for many firsts. Many shared experiences and fears. 

“You should talk to him again”, Aaron said. 

Kevin looked at him in surprise. “He wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“You can’t decide that for him”, Aaron said. “You both deserve better than making each other’s decisions, no?” 

That was. Kevin didn’t really know what to say. He stared at Aaron with his mouth open on a faultless word and his brows furrowed. Then, Kevin laughed softly. 

Aaron nudged his arm. “What?”

“Nothing. You’re not the way I thought you’d be”, Kevin said.

“More sane or more insane?” Aaron asked, with a grin. 

“Can’t say, yet.”

Kevin realized they’d made it back to the house but Aaron stopped before walking inside and said, “Next time, I’ll take you to the playground I was talking about, if it’s still there. Would be funny, I think.” 

Kevin didn’t comment on how that was supposed to be Aaron’s safe place; didn’t comment on the confirmation of a next time. But he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

The next morning, they were sitting in the living room when Aaron walked in. Neil and Andrew and Nicky were on the couch, discussing the movie they’d put on. Neil’s head on Andrew’s shoulder. It was a lazy morning. Kevin was sitting on the chair next to the large couch, scrolling through the news on his phone. 

Aaron settled himself on the floor next to Kevin’s chair. 

Kevin spared him a glance. 

Aaron kept looking at him and away. Kevin nudged him with his foot. Aaron turned and Kevin quirked an eyebrow. Aaron gestured at him to be quiet then said to Nicky:

“Hey, when was the last time you went to the amusement park?”

Nicky thought about it. “High school, maybe. We should go. Neil, have you been to amusement parks?”

“Only to hide in the crowd. Not an enjoyable experience, I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“We could go.”

Neil looked at Andrew who shrugged. Neil nodded. “Okay”, he said. “We can go.”

Aaron stood up, wordlessly, winking at Kevin as he left. 

Kevin’s soul almost left his body at the gesture. He watched Aaron go and was brought back to the world by Nicky’s voice. 

“Kevin, have you ever been?”

Kevin shook his head. He had not been. He remembered telling Aaron about it, but he hadn’t thought something would come of it. 

“It’s settled, then. We need to go”, Aaron said, walking back in with a cup of coffee. Andrew looked at him, inquisitively. Aaron shrugged and left again.

Well, Kevin thought. 

Guess, they were going to an amusement park. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess they can go to an amusement park :D  
> Still in awe of everyone praising this. Thank you. To random tattoos and conversation. Hope you all like this, tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness, scream at/with me. Take care, stay safe, love you.


	5. Amusement Parks & Tolerable People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why are you drinking coffee? You won’t be able to sleep”, Kevin said, looking away from the intensity, changing the topic, ignoring the sentiment.   
> “I don’t want to sleep.” Then. "Do you want to go for a walk?”

Clothes. 

Kevin was many things but an idiot was not one of them. Debatable, sometimes, but broadly speaking, he  _ wasn’t  _ an idiot. He wasn’t going to look bad while going to the amusement park with someone he- 

_ Liked.  _ With someone he  _ liked.  _ Kevin liked Aaron. 

And wasn’t that just great?

All he could think about was Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Neil had put on an old  _ USC  _ game last night and even then Kevin’s thoughts drifted. Aaron, for his part, hadn’t really shown his face after tricking everyone into thinking it was Nicky’s idea to go to the amusement park. It was almost as if he knew of Kevin’s feelings and was avoiding him. Kevin re-thought every interaction of theirs a billion times to think of any spare moment he would have given himself away. 

There were many. 

He was very, very pointedly ignoring all of them. 

They were about to leave soon and- 

Clothes. Kevin had never cared about clothes before. And yet, here was, staring at his reflection in a full sleeved navy blue shirt, his hair run through and messy. He didn’t think he looked bad but there was a different kind of self-consciousness deeply set in his mind today. He shook his head in the mirror. Then swiftly turned and walked out bumping directly into Neil. 

“You look tired”, Kevin said, noticing the bags under Neil’s eyes. 

Neil nodded. “I didn’t get much sleep. Don’t feel like going anywhere.”

“Why are you?” 

“Andrew wants cotton candy.”

“Andrew can  _ get _ cotton candy. You should sleep.” 

“And miss out on Andrew eating cotton candy? No way. I have pictures to take”, Neil grinned. 

Neil’s new interest in photography was as entertaining as it was exhausting. He had gotten a new phone and started taking pictures of food, locations, the Foxes, the Court, Andrew, more Andrew, cats on the street, random trees. It wasn’t so bad, if Neil’s oft present smile was anything to go by. Kevin shook his head at Neil’s motives then cursed himself for wanting to take pictures of Aaron. 

“Let’s go”, Andrew said, walking out of their bedroom.

The car ride wouldn’t have been as painful as it was if Aaron wasn’t so obviously avoiding Kevin’s existence. How he managed to do so while crammed into the Maserati, Kevin couldn’t say, but he knew ignorance when he saw it. 

_ Good. The sooner this is over, the better.  _

It was closing in on 5 pm when they reached the place. It was as stereotypically bright as Kevin had imagined. Endlessly, all his eyes could see was this: Pink. 

There were children laughing, parents laughing, teenagers taking pictures under trees, long lines for large rides, a big Ferris wheel with neon lights encasing every inch of it. Kevin was too busy taking in the sight to notice that Aaron was finally looking at him. 

Andrew took Neil’s hand and tugged him along to a cotton candy stall. Kevin saw Neil pull out his phone with his other hand, smiling softly. 

There was this, as well. 

Every few minutes Kevin saw someone with their arms slung casually over their friend or partner’s shoulder, kisses on foreheads and the glaringly obvious sound of happiness that radiated from the place. 

Kevin felt Nicky’s head on his shoulder, looking around, same as him. Kevin looked at him sideways and didn’t shrug him off. 

“Erik would love this”, Nicky said, sadly, after a moment. Kevin didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t good at offering comfort, he could barely hold a meaningful conversation. But he knew what it was like to miss someone. He wondered if Jean had been to any amusement parks in California. 

Aaron came to stand beside them, silent. Nicky sighed once and then perked up again. As was his habit, he rambled on about what rides they should go on first, completely oblivious to the different tone of quiet between Aaron and Kevin behind him. 

“I won’t go on the Ferris wheel alone. it would make me too upset to go alone. Kevin, will you go on the Ferris wheel with me?” Nicky asked, eyes bright. 

Kevin looked at and away from Aaron. “Yeah-”

“I’ll go too”, Aaron said, sounding only a little constipated. Nicky looked surprised. 

“Okay. I didn’t think you’d want to.”

Aaron's face was blank. “Well, I do.”

Kevin didn’t say anything, but he wasn’t sure how loud his heartbeat was. 

Nicky enjoyed it. Aaron and Kevin looked down when the wheel reached the top. Kevin could see the top of Andrew and Neil’s heads playing some random shooting game. He could see Neil laughing and he thought of how normal it was now. That he could hear Neil’s laugh even when he was so high up. 

He wondered if anyone could hear the sound of his laughter when they looked at him. He wasn’t sure when he had laughed as carefree as everyone else.

“I’m happy for them”, Nicky said, following Kevin’s gaze. Aaron peaked over Kevin’s side and looked away. Kevin didn’t say he was happy for them too. He didn’t look at Aaron. He didn’t smile.

Nicky decided he wanted to go on the roller coaster, next. The line was long as hell and while they waited, Kevin’s gaze fixed on Aaron’s shoes, he thought about whether Aaron was tall enough for this. 

“Are you tall enough for this?” Kevin asked, suddenly. Aaron met Kevin’s eyes, confused for a second. Then he glared. Not the wisest way to break a day old silence, Kevin thought, and smiled at Aaron’s expression. 

“Yes, I am. Asshole”, Aaron said, leaning against the railing beside Kevin. Kevin’s arms were crossed and Aaron’s were stuffed in the pockets of his loose, hooded shirt. He wondered how Aaron was wearing something such in the heat. They didn’t say anything else for a while. 

“So”, Aaron began, slowly. Cautiously. “Now you’ve been to an amusement park.”

“So have you”, Kevin said, casually. 

“Do you like it?” Eagerly. 

“Maybe.” Playfully. 

“You either do or you don’t. Which is it?” Genuinely. 

“Can’t say yet.” Pointedly, Kevin met Aaron’s eyes. Aaron gave him half a smile in acknowledgement and they moved forward in the line. Nicky had unsurprisingly made friends with the people in front of them. Kevin, for once didn’t feel the urge to be as socially present as Nicky. He was content talking to the person beside him. 

“Do you? Like it?” Kevin asked. 

“It’s very happy. And loud. I don’t like loud places”, Aaron said, like he had an answer prepared.

“I don’t like crowded places”, Kevin frowned. “Everyone’s laughing so much. It’s kind of giving me a headache.”

Aaron nodded. “It gets on my nerves too.” 

They looked away from each other, Kevin bit his lip from saying more. He wanted to but for some reason it felt like there was a boundary etched between them. He didn’t know if he was allowed to cross over. 

They got on the roller coaster a few moments later and Nicky, gratefully, sat with one of the three people who had been standing in line in front of them. Neither Aaron nor Kevin would have wanted to, Kevin knew that for sure. 

It was only after settling down and being locked into place did Kevin allow himself to look at Aaron again. He looked like he was trying not to look scared. An expression Kevin knew well. 

“Why’d you get on if you’re afraid?” Kevin asked. 

“I’m not”, Aaron looked him in the eye and shook his head. “I’m not afraid.” 

The ride lurched forward and Aaron grabbed onto Kevin’s forearm in a death grip, foregoing the handle beside him. Kevin smiled at him pointedly, the ride moving slowly forward. There were a billion twists and turns that they could see from here; he watched Aaron gulp. Unthinkingly and with some difficulty, Kevin kept his other hand on Aaron’s. 

“You’ll be fine”, Kevin said. Aaron glared at him, looking slightly terrified as the ride stopped over a crest. They looked at each other for one second where Aaron’s grip tightened further. And the coaster fell. 

Walking out of the seats with a numb forearm and legs, Kevin grinned. Aaron used him as leverage to stand and Nicky whooped loudly. He was really enjoying this and Kevin was starting to think this might have been a good idea after all. Especially when Kevin watched Aaron take in a deep breath as he held on to Kevin for balance. 

“Terrible”, Aaron said. “That was the worst one.”

Kevin’s grin widened. “You didn’t have to go.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and stepped away, falling into step beside Kevin as Nicky staggered along in front of them. 

“I think it’s time for food. Does anyone know where Andrew and Neil have run off to?” 

“Right here”, Neil said, appearing as if summoned, Andrew in tow behind him with another massive fluff of pink cotton candy in his hands. The sky had faded into darkness a while back and large bulbs were alight, stringing over their heads in crosses. Kevin looked up at them and then around the stalls selling food where they were standing. All the pink looked faded in yellow light; it looked soothing to the eye. Kevin felt a little dizzy from the ride and closed his eyes. If he focused a little he could still feel Aaron holding on. 

When he opened his eyes to get rid of his daydreams he found Aaron looking at him, mouth slightly open, like he was still trying to catch a breath. 

“What is it?” Kevin asked, nervously. Aaron shook his head slowly, not looking away. There was a strange feeling in his gaze Kevin didn’t quite recognize. 

“Nothing”, Aaron said, like he didn’t mean it.

Kevin was about to ask a question he shouldn’t when Nicky called out to them. Andrew, Neil and him had walked far ahead. Kevin nodded his head at Nicky, who turned away to pay attention to food. But when Kevin looked back at Aaron, he looked as distant as he had in the morning. Kevin cursed himself for messing up, not knowing what he had done exactly, but convinced it was his fault. 

He didn’t know if he should apologize so he let it be. 

They walked together until they reached the stall where everyone else was. A few hasty slices of pizza later, they decided to call it a day. 

Neil hung on to Andrew’s arm, scrolling through his pictures and showing Andrew his favorites. Andrew didn’t comment on any of them then pulled out his own phone to show Neil a picture of him instead. Neil grew a little silent at that and Kevin wondered -  _ hoped  _ rather - if Aaron’s stillness was something similar. 

It was only a passing fancy, he tried to tell himself. 

_ Don’t take it to heart, the touch or the looks. Don’t pay so much attention.  _

But how was he supposed to do that when all of his senses were so attuned to Aaron’s presence?

Everyone movement, breath and sigh; every scent and every look, Kevin felt it through to his bones.  _ This is getting out of hand _ , he thought, as Aaron slumped against him, sleepily, in the car. 

When they got home, everyone sighed collectively and headed to their respective rooms. Kevin waited quietly for Nicky to finish using the bathroom downstairs so he could change out into sleep clothes. He’d decided it was better to sleep off the confusion rather than ponder over it and if he lay down, right now - close to ten p.m. - he was sure to fall asleep by midnight or after. Such was the life of an overthinker. 

Nicky bid him farewell as he walked out, complaining about his ‘extrovert batteries dying’. 

Kevin stared at his reflection in silence. There were scars on his chest, parallel lines faded now. There were some on his arm, one large one across his bicep. A thin line ran over his torso. Experiences from the past which he spent everyday convincing himself to believe  _ wouldn’t _ be repeated. 

Familiar touch was unfamiliar to him. And then there was this, he thought, looking at his forearm. A bruising grip that was welcome. He liked Aaron, he knew that, but his life had never been as easy as confessions and endgames. 

This was an attraction that was practically impossible. 

He sighed, slipping on a soft white shirt and loose pajamas. He turned off the bathroom light, only half paying attention to anything and counted his steps back to the couch. He slumped down, letting out another heavy breath, eyes to the uneven ceiling again. 

“Was it really that exhausting?” 

Kevin startled, looking beside him. Aaron was curled up on the other corner of the couch, scrolling through his phone with a cup of coffee in his hands. Kevin relaxed a moment later, surprisingly. 

“People are exhausting.”

“Agreed”, Aaron said. 

“Aren’t you planning on becoming a doctor? You’ll have to deal with a lot of people.”

“Then I’ll be exhausted for the rest of my life. Besides, I don’t want to deal with adults, they’re insufferable. I want to be a  pediatrician”, Aaron replied, taking another sip. 

Kevin turned his head back and closed his eyes. “Good luck with that”, he said. “Kids aren’t very nice either.” He thought of the way he had been when he was a child. The way Riko had been. 

“You don’t think so?” 

Kevin shook his head. 

“Yeah, well”, Aaron said. Kevin heard the click of Aaron’s phone locking shut but didn’t open his eyes. “Name one person you think  _ is _ tolerable.”

_ You, _ Kevin thought.  _ It’s all upside down with you. _

“No one”, Kevin said. “Everyone is awful.”

“You aren’t awful”, Aaron scoffed, and Kevin opened his eyes and saw Aaron’s eyes frozen on his coffee cup. His heart thundered.

“You aren’t so bad yourself”, Kevin said, softly. Aaron looked at him and gulped. 

“Why are you drinking coffee? You won’t be able to sleep”, Kevin said, looking away from the intensity, changing the topic, ignoring the sentiment. 

“I don’t want to sleep.” Then. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

Kevin looked back, as was his life now. Looking back and looking away. He wished he could stare as openly as he wanted to, let himself take in every little detail and treasure it. Of course he wanted to go for a walk. 

“Yeah”, he said. “Let’s go for a walk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally wrote most of this today, because studying is hectic and exhausting. Would hug this fic if I could for the escapism. Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos, you beautiful people! Always appreciated. Honestly, Kevin and Aaron deserve the love. I'm not sorry for how slow this is, there's a lot of conversation and a lot of walking: good basis for a friendship ;) Anyway, thank you for reading, tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness. Take care, stay safe!


	6. Depth & Drizzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t know simple things contained so much happiness.

Aaron was watching his step. 

Kevin was watching him. 

Carefully, he’d keep one foot forward, then swing his other foot forward in a lazy stumble. Almost like a jump but not quite.

It was quiet. 

_ “Next time, I’ll take you to the playground I was talking about, if it’s still there. Would be funny, I think.” _

Is that where they were going? Even after a whole day of swimming through crowds and rides? But it hadn’t been just them. Kevin knew he’d remember Aaron’s playground more than the pink hues he’d spent his day in. It would be just them and Kevin’s suffocating thoughts and ever-present self control. 

He tried to match Aaron on the next step. Then, the next. Then, the next. Until Aaron noticed and sent their shoes the grin Kevin had been dying to see. Aaron didn’t look up. Kevin looked only at Aaron, unblinking. 

It was quiet. 

_ You aren’t awful. _

Kevin was an overthinker. On any normal day, it was an effort to hold his thoughts at bay and Exy was the superior distraction. It wouldn’t work with Aaron, no matter how much he tried. Nothing worked. He was staring and they were walking and he could spend all the remaining minutes of his life in this  _ silence.  _ Such a stupid thing to be fond of;  _ you’re not awful.  _

Kevin still felt like he was. 

He’d felt the reign of this obsession slip into attraction and edge its way slowly from his mind to his heart. He wasn’t going to get rid of this so easily. It was a higher probability Andrew would find out and tell him to walk straight out of their house. Kevin tried to push the thought out of his mind. 

Aaron had his hands in the pockets of Kevin’s jacket; it was a rather chilly night. They were both in their pajamas and hastily worn shoes. Aaron’s shoelaces were untied. 

Kevin waited for Aaron to trip so he could reach out and balance him. Have an excuse to be close to him. He felt terrible. 

His gaze hadn’t moved from Aaron’s face, far removed from being obvious. The streetlight’s put shadows on Aaron’s face Kevin couldn’t otherwise see. He had a small freckle on his eyelid. Kevin’s jacket drowned him and it looked just as unfathomably cosy as the first time he’d accidentally worn it. 

Kevin stumbled and his breath caught, unaware of the unexpected stone in his way. Aaron grabbed his arm holding onto his elbow with both hands, grip tight. Comforting. He wondered if Aaron had been waiting for an opportunity as well. 

Aaron let go of his arm. They were walking closer than before, now and every other matched step their fingers brushed. Not saying a word. 

“It should be just around the corner”, Aaron said, softly. Kevin nodded, trying to breathe.

It  _ was  _ there. 

The playground was a scary little thing with many broken swings and half up seesaws. Everything was rusted, specks of old paint chipped off and the streetlights made it look like a set from a horror movie. Aaron grabbed his arm. 

“This is scary”, Kevin managed to say. 

“It’s not. It’s- There. It’s still there”, Aaron said, a little surprised. 

“I would have pissed myself if I came here as a child, Aaron.”

Aaron laughed. “I did. Many times. It used to be scarier when it was empty.”

“What do you mean ‘when it was empty’? It’s still empty.”

“No, it’s not. You’re right here”, Aaron said, stepping away, towards one of the swing sets.

“The chain was jammed so the swing never moved the way it was supposed to”, he continued, tugging on the chain. Without a care, Aaron sat down on the swing. It didn’t move too much and Kevin focused on it to forget the apparent significance of his presence here. 

Then he moved to the other swing and glared at it suspiciously. 

Aaron huffed. “Sit down, nothing will happen.” 

Kevin glared weakly at Aaron. If he fell off a swing and hurt his back he wouldn’t be able to explain it to anyone. 

“Do you want to hold onto my arm?” Aaron asked, teasingly, offering his arm and a smirk. 

Kevin rolled his eyes and sat down. Nothing happened. 

“I told you.” Aaron’s feet wouldn’t reach the floor entirely. Kevin tried to push off but the swing only moved slightly back and forth. 

“So”, he started. “This was your safe place.”

Aaron smiled. “Was.”

Kevin wanted to ask many questions but he didn’t. He looked at Aaron and Aaron, characteristically, looked at his shoes, trying to make the swing move more and failing. Smiling slightly. Kevin had a silly little moment of courage looking at Aaron’s hand tightly holding onto the chain. He almost reached out to wrap his own hand around Aaron’s.

_ Don’t be an idiot. _

Aaron looked behind him curiously. There was a large tree, bare branches but it’s trunk was massive. “I used to hide behind it. Climb it, sometimes.”

“You didn’t play with other kids?” Kevin asked. The image of Aaron, young and alone, climbing a tree made him upset. He wished he’d known the Foxes when they were younger many times before; he knew what troubles they all went through and sometimes it was better to have someone with you through it. He hated that Jean had been with him when he was younger but he knew if either of them had been alone, they wouldn’t have been able to survive it. He didn’t know how his teammates did it. 

Didn’t know how Aaron did. 

“They used to scare me. I tried, once. Just got pushed around for being too small”, Aaron sighed, like he was letting out more than a breath. Kevin nodded. 

Aaron looked up at the sky, Kevin followed his gaze. 

“Always wanted a brother.” 

Then, Aaron started talking. Slowly, at first, and there were gaps in the middle, of instances he was most likely re-living but was too afraid to speak into existence. The past was a difficult thing. Kevin was listening intently but he couldn’t help but wonder how strange it was to be having this conversation. Strange how it was more important to him than anything else in the moment to listen. And the longer Aaron talked, the more Kevin wanted to share as well. This was also strange, because he was so sure Aaron would listen to him. He’d never been this sure of anything else before. 

So he talked as well. He told Aaron of things he never thought he’d be able to tell anyone. The first time he’d met Jean. Tetsuji’s hatred for everything; Riko’s intolerance. His own cowardice. 

“I don’t think you’re a coward, Kevin”, Aaron said, after a moment. The sky was cloudy, but not heavy. 

The air was misty when it started to drizzle. Soft droplets falling in front of the streetlight they could see, like stars. The low light caught raindrops shining on Aaron’s hair, his eyelashes. Maybe someone else wouldn’t have noticed but Kevin was so used to looking now. He tried to process the words Aaron had said as they looked at each other. 

He didn’t know if he was a coward or not. He’d been told he was, often and incessantly, he’d simply chosen to believe it. 

“I mean it”, Aaron said. “I don’t think you had the space for bravery there, Kevin. I don’t know how you survived it.”

He wanted to believe Aaron this time. To tell him he’d been thinking the same of him. He blinked away the rain from his eyes, slight and untimely. Took a deep breath and looked away. 

He didn’t think anyone had ever said that to him. 

_ I don’t think you’re a coward.  _

_ You aren’t awful. _

It wasn’t praise. Kevin didn’t know what it was. 

“I don’t think you’re a coward either”, Kevin said, for lack of better words. 

Aaron smiled, softly. “I know.”

It was quiet again for a while and they both watched the rain move away. It hadn’t even been heavy enough to soak their clothes but Kevin still shivered. The only sound was the rattling chains. 

“I don’t blame Andrew for doing what he did. Don’t tell him, but. I don’t. I don’t know what I’d have done if I’d been through half of what he has.” Aaron’s swing creaked.

Kevin nodded. It was hard not to talk about Andrew, an important part of both their lives. 

“He won’t understand what it’s like to miss her still”, Aaron said in one breath and Kevin was surprised. “I know what she did and I’ll never forgive her for it but memory isn’t just. Terrible things. I don’t know how fucked up it is to remember the good things she did for me.”

“I know”, Kevin said. He understood because Riko hadn’t always been an egotistical asshole. When they were younger, as impossible as he’d been, Riko had just been a child. It was Tetsuji who had ruined him. But, Kevin could never forgive him either or remember him in a good light, anymore. 

He understood Aaron because he’d lost his mother too. In an ‘accident’ but he knew it hadn’t been. He let himself say as much. 

“Messed up to have that in common”, Aaron said, after a moment. Kevin smiled, sadly.

Aaron sighed. “Was that a real conversation?” he asked. 

Kevin shrugged. “Feels a bit strange, doesn’t it? he replied, looking earnestly at Aaron. 

“Yes”, Aaron said, looking back just the same. 

The remnants of rain glittered in Aaron’s hair, half his face shadowed, away from the streetlight. Kevin was content. It was starting to feel less like a curse and more like a blessing to have realized this. Especially after tonight. 

They talked a bit more, swung back and forth, leisurely. Stood up after a while when Aaron complained about sitting for so long. He started walking backwards, Kevin following. They kept the conversation going.

Television shows they watched as children; the Nest didn’t have many but for some reason aired all of Naruto. That made Aaron laugh which made Kevin smile. Aaron’s treasured pair of sketchers that used to light up; still in the garage. Kevin’s mother; Irish-Indian, born in India to a single mother herself. He told Aaron he grew up understanding and speaking broken Hindi and Irish. He could still understand some of them but couldn’t speak them anymore, taken over by Japanese and French in his mind. Aaron looked impressed, as he turned back to walk parallel to Kevin, even closer than before.

Their hands brushed again. Kevin kept talking. Something about the skiing trip they’d all been on. Aaron’s fingers danced over Kevin’s, moving away then moving back. It took all of Kevin’s strength not to think too deeply, not to pull him closer, to take his hand. Took more power to keep talking than stopping entirely like he felt his world did every time they touched. 

Somewhere between telling Aaron about his mother’s love for history which he inherited and Aaron nodding along to his ramble, he took Kevin’s hand and entwined their fingers together. Kevin stopped talking. Stopped walking and looked down. Tried to feign surprise, like this was unexpected, like it hadn’t been exactly what he’d hoped would happen. He didn’t draw back his hand, didn’t want to. He knew Aaron was looking at him, standing still in front of him; so still, like his breath was stuck in his throat.

Kevin flexed his fingers, fixed them and smiled. It felt a little like reassurance, their hands stuck together. He looked up. He was feeling so much, he couldn’t decipher it but whatever Aaron saw there made him relax. 

They started walking again. They were holding hands. 

It was quiet. 

He didn’t know what else he could say, holding hands felt like a conversation in itself. 

Aaron was biting his lip, Kevin was holding in a grin. 

He didn’t know simple things contained so much happiness. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy, lovelies. Listened to Best Part by Daniel Caesar & H.E.R. probably throughout. Tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness. Take care, stay safe.


	7. Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you care?”   
> Aaron looked up, eyes wide. “About?” he whispered.

Kevin stared at the ceiling. 

The uneven shapes moulded into an image of Aaron and his hands entwined. His heart beat faster at the thought of it. He closed his eyes.  _ This doesn’t mean reciprocation. _

He couldn’t keep his eyes closed for long. Opening them again, his vision spiralled through Aaron’s hair in the late night drizzle; the night's conversations; the sound of their shoes on the sidewalk; the way Aaron didn’t quite lift his feet but dragged them when he was tired. Their hands entwined. Aaron’s smile. 

Moved further back to the top of a rollercoaster; Aaron holding onto his arm; Aaron staring at him afterwards. He took a deep breath which helped none. 

He felt breathless. 

He didn’t know if Aaron felt the same way but if his reluctance to let go of Kevin’s hand when they reached the house was anything to go by...then, maybe.  _ Maybe. _

How was he supposed to sleep? He checked the time. 

Close to five a.m..

Their hands entwined. Kevin hid his grin behind the back of his hand. 

He fell asleep reluctantly, thoughts thoroughly occupied. He woke up after everyone else had. Neil walked in two seconds after he opened his eyes. 

“Oh, wait. Yes, he’s up”, Neil said loudly to whoever was in the kitchen. Kevin sat up, groggy. He walked into the kitchen, still sleepy until he saw Andrew. 

_ Right. This might be a problem.  _

Andrew’s reactions to Katelyn had been dismissive and ignorant. To him, she hadn’t existed and Aaron had been perfectly alright with that. Rather have her away from him than threatened. The problem wasn’t that he was afraid of Andrew, the problem was that he was afraid of being treated the same as Katelyn if Andrew ever did find out Kevin’s feelings. 

“There’s cake for breakfast”, Andrew said. 

“Why?” Kevin asked, his voice rough with sleep. 

“Because there is”, Andrew said, taking a sip of his coffee. 

Kevin nodded. He turned around and headed to the bathroom. When he came back, the kitchen was empty and half a chocolate cake sat covered on the table and his stomach grumbled at the sight of it. But, almost out of instinct, he checked the freezer for vodka. There was half a bottle left, not nearly enough for. For what? He didn’t quite understand. He took out the bottle. 

Aaron walked in. 

There was a quiet moment where their eyes met, Kevin’s hand frozen on the bottle, his body still, mind buzzing. 

“I-”, Aaron started, then his gaze fell to the bottle of vodka in Kevin’s hands. Aaron frowned. “It’s two p.m.”

Kevin nodded. 

“You know that? You sure?” Aaron smiled, pointing at the bottle. 

Kevin smiled, too, unsure why. Maybe because Aaron was smiling. 

“There’s a perfectly good chocolate cake in front of you”, Aaron said. 

“I can see that too.”

Aaron raised his eyebrows, grabbing a knife. Neil walked in with an empty plate smeared with chocolate left-overs. On his way to the sink, he detoured and grabbed the bottle of vodka out of Kevin’s hands, wordlessly. Kevin tried to tug but Neil stepped on his foot and he let go. 

“No”, Neil said, pointedly. Kevin rolled his eyes. Aaron yawned over a grin, taking out cake in a bowl for himself. Neil kept the bottle back in the freezer, deposited the plates in the sink and left the kitchen. Kevin tried not to think as Aaron ate. He leaned against the wall, head tilted back and stared out the window so he wouldn’t look at Aaron. 

“You were drinking a lot a few weeks ago”, Aaron said. 

Why was there never small talk? Why did Aaron always jump to the difficult parts? Why didn’t Kevin hate it?

“Yeah”, he said, looking at the floor, then. He heard Aaron move, heard the bathroom door close shut downstairs. Nicky was awake. Aaron was standing in front of him. 

“Do you like chocolate cake?” he asked. Kevin didn’t respond, off-kilter at the proximity. He looked down into Aaron’s bowl as he moved the spoon around for a bite. He raised it to Kevin’s face, fearlessly. Kevin’s heartbeat stuttered. Aaron moved the spoon closer to Kevin’s lips and Kevin opened his mouth, looking directly into hazel eyes. 

“It’s good”, Kevin whispered, after a moment, afraid to be heard. Can he hear my heartbeat? 

“I know”, Aaron whispered back. “Dare you to eat some.” And gave him half a smile. Then, just as swift as he’d gotten there, Aaron turned around and left. 

Kevin leaned his head back again and closed his eyes, swallowing.  _ God damn it,  _ he thought. Then his brain went blank.

He stood like that for an indeterminable amount of time until he heard Nicky’s footsteps and opened his eyes, taking a deep breath. 

“Cake for breakfast!”

“Can you take some out for me as well?” Kevin asked, softly. Nicky nodded, grabbing two plates as Kevin tried to set his mind right and failed. 

“Is Andrew more like Anna or Elsa?” Nicky asked, mid-way through a Frozen re-watch. It was on and they didn’t bother changing the channel, watching Elsa sing for possibly the fifth time. Kevin was pissed because the song would be stuck in his head again and someone would end up humming or singing it everywhere. The question made him wonder. 

Neil, whose feet were in Andrew’s lap, draped upside down on the sofa, looked deep in thought. Then, he sat up and stared at Andrew who was sipping on a carton of chocolate milk, empty eyes on the television screen. 

Aaron was busy on his phone, looking slightly distressed. Kevin forgot the question entirely, distracted as Aaron rolled his eyes at his phone screen. Noticing everyone else busy analyzing the important issue Nicky had raised, Kevin moved from the chair and sat next to Aaron on the floor. 

Without any prompt, Aaron leaned forward and showed him the screen like he’d been waiting for Kevin to appear. 

“It’s Katelyn”, he whispered. 

“Why?” Kevin asked, quietly. 

The lights were off, blue shades from the movie lighting up one side of Aaron’s face. “She says she thinks it stupid that I broke up with her because of her parents. I think she’s drunk.”

Sure enough, the messages were filled with gaps and extensive typos. Many, many exclamation marks. More than Kevin had ever seen before. 

They both stared at the screen as she sent more curses. Then, she started cursing out Andrew. 

“Oh”, Kevin said. “I don’t like her.” 

“Neither do I”, Aaron said, chewing on his thumbnail, anxiously. “I can’t say that. She’s drunk. She’ll hate me.” 

Kevin pulled Aaron’s thumb away from his mouth and didn’t move his hand away from Aaron’s wrist. They both looked intently at Kevin’s hand for a moment. Aaron didn’t shrug him off. 

“Do you care?” 

Aaron looked up, eyes wide. “About?” he whispered. 

_ His eyes look so different in this light. _

Kevin cursed himself for not phrasing his words correctly. He stuttered. “Not- I meant- Do you care if she hates you?”

Aaron relaxed only a little and looked down. “Oh. Not really. No.”

“Okay. Then, do whatever you want.” Kevin let go, turning his attention back to the screen. 

He didn’t want to be the one to dictate Aaron’s actions, even if he wanted him to block Katelyn. Jealousy was useless and unnecessary. Irrelevant in this situation because Kevin  _ was not  _ jealous. 

“That’s not vague at all. Kevin, _ I don’t know _ what I want.”

“Andrew  _ wouldn’t _ sing a song while building a majestic ice castle! That’s a drawback”, Nicky exclaimed, catching both their attention for a second. 

They turned away a second later, uninterested in the conversation. Kevin sighed, thinking of chocolate cake. 

“Maybe you should figure it out”, he told Aaron. 

Aaron opened his mouth to respond. Closed it. Blinked fast. Cleared his throat. Locked his phone and kept it to the side. 

“Maybe I will”, Aaron whispered. He sounded defiant, like he was talking more to himself than Kevin. 

“Wait. If we figure out who Aaron is we can figure out who Andrew is”, Nicky said, turning to them. He didn’t look surprised to see them sitting together but then again, who would expect it?

Neil looked at Aaron for five full seconds and said, “Anna.” 

Andrew nodded. Aaron shrugged. 

“Alright”, Nicky said and went back to watching the movie. Neil whispered something in Andrew’s ear. Andrew said something that made Neil smile. Then, Neil took a cushion and placed it on Andrew’s lap, followed by his head. Andrew ran his fingers through Neil’s hair, almost unconsciously. 

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, Aaron’s knee touched Kevin’s. Normally. Casually. Kevin didn’t react. Then, hiding behind their legs, Aaron’s fingers brushed Kevin’s. Kevin took a deep breath, watched the movie. He saw Aaron look at him from the side for a second before taking his hand in his. The way he had done last night. Kevin stopped breathing, the way he had last night. He watched the movie. Aaron watched the movie. 

And what else was there to do but steal glances and wish to move closer?

Aaron kept biting his lip, another anxious habit. There was a blood red mark there today which hadn’t been there before. Kevin noticed. 

Kevin wanted to kiss him. He inhaled sharply at the thought and looked away. 

It felt like everyone could read his mind, hear his heart, see his skin turn slowly red. 

But when he looked up everyone was asleep. Andrew’s head lolled to the side, his hand still in Neil’s hair. Neil curled in on himself. Nicky in a weird position on the chair. The credits were rolling. 

Kevin looked at Aaron and found him already staring. 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Aaron asked, like he always did. 

“Yes”, Kevin said, out of breath. 

They didn’t leave immediately. 

Kevin woke Nicky up which automatically woke Neil and Andrew with the groan Nicky let out at being bothered in his sleep. 

“Go sleep in your room”, Kevin said. “Or your back will hurt.” 

Nicky hummed, slumping to the floor. Kevin left him there, well aware it would become uncomfortable and Nicky would leave. Andrew tugged at Neil’s hand to drag him upstairs, Neil following with his eyes closed, head resting on Andrew’s shoulder as they moved. 

Kevin moved to the kitchen, drank some water, caught his breath. He didn’t know liking someone involved extensive sighs, sleepless nights and uncalled for dreams. He thought it was a myth. He’d never liked anyone this way before. 

Fifteen minutes later, Kevin heard the door to Nicky’s room shut and he closed his eyes. 

It was different tonight, when Aaron showed up. There was a curious thrill in the expectation and desire that Aaron would be there. 

For a moment, they looked at each other, in the kitchen. Then, Kevin offered him a half full bottle of water. Aaron deliberately brushed his fingers against Kevin’s while taking it with a thanks. He drank looking at Kevin. Kevin didn’t look away. 

When they walked out the door, Aaron stopped. Took a deep breath. Said: “Okay”, to neither of them.

Then took Kevin’s hand. Kevin wondered when it would stop making him feel winded. Aaron looked at him, questioningly. Kevin tightened his grip and pulled Aaron forward with their hands caught in the middle. Aaron’s face relaxed as Kevin gave him a shy smile. Aaron drew up his shoulders, snug in Kevin’s jacket and they started walking. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how many chapters I can end where they go on walks. Whoever said 'it's about the hands' was so correct, I can not emphasize how correct they were. It is 100% about the hands. I don't know exactly how long this fic will be but it's not ending anytime soon and I have a JereJean parallel to this in the works, so if you want you can look forward to that as well. Take care, stay safe. Tumblr is unidentifiedshadowbusiness, send asks or whatever, thank you for reading!


	8. Groceries & Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron pushed the trolley forward and they kept moving. Kevin put bread into it and felt conversation rise in him.   
> “Did you know”, he began, reading the details of brown bread on the packet before keeping it back, “the Greeks used to dip their bread in wine.”

Kevin woke up with an unexplainable urge to bake.

Characteristically, he stared at the ceiling and thought of what he should bake. He didn’t particularly feel like indulging in eating too many sweets but baking would help him pass the time. And he’d stopped going on his morning runs which wasn’t entirely healthy. He felt unfit and careless. But he wanted to bake. 

Andrew walked into the living room while Kevin was ruminating. Seeing Kevin’s expression he simply said, “What?”

Kevin shrugged. “I feel like baking.”

Andrew nodded. “Chocolate chip cookies.”

It was decided, then. 

He wandered into the kitchen an hour later, yawning into the back of his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to bring himself back to the present. Inexplicably, he thought of Jean and how he was doing. Then, he quietly let himself think of Aaron while wandering around the kitchen looking for baking supplies. 

It was confusing. Last night, they’d walked around for an hour, turning towards and away from the house many times. They hadn’t talked, both lost in their own thoughts. There was worry on Aaron’s face, Kevin was surprised to observe it. He shouldn’t have been surprised, it made sense. He was worried as well. 

Still, Aaron hadn’t let go of his hand for a second. 

He didn’t want anyone to know.

Aaron had smiled at him when they got back and walked upstairs leaving Kevin calm and restless at the same time. It had taken all his effort to stop his mind from overthinking...all of this. 

He vowed to himself he wouldn’t give into his urges. Give the reins over to Aaron, he could do with this what he was willing. But he couldn’t forget the feeling of wanting to kiss him, not even as he realized they didn’t have most of the things he needed to make chocolate chip cookies with. They were also out of milk, there were only two slices of bread left and barely anything to cook dinner with. 

“Neil”, Kevin called out, loudly. 

“What?” Neil called out, more loudly, from the top of the stairs. Kevin moved from the kitchen to the bottom of the stairs, scratching his chin.

“There is no food. We need to go to the grocery store.”

Behind Neil, Aaron’s head peeked from one side and Andrew’s on the other. Kevin furrowed his eyebrows. Aaron winked at him over Neil’s shoulder but Kevin dismissed it as his imagination. He probably had something in his eye. 

“We’re going to the grocery store?” Nicky asked, appearing suddenly beside Kevin. 

Kevin looked back up the stairs and decided on behalf of the entire family that yes they were going to go to the grocery store. 

It took them five minutes to leave the house, most of them in sweatpants, Aaron in his usual hoodie and Nicky wearing shorts. They looked like they had all gotten out of bed and walked out the house, which they had, and Kevin felt a weird sort of thrill in not caring about his appearance at that moment. He had wanted to change out but seeing everyone else he’d decided against it. It was a simple thing but he couldn’t help remembering how different life had been like at the Nest. 

Comparison.

He was used to comparison, he thought, flicking his tattoo casually with the back of his hand like he was wiping away sweat. He had noticed this habit in himself, whenever he thought too much of his past out of instinct he would reach for his face. The urge to hide it while it was known by everyone in the Exy world was a weird feeling. 

He didn’t feel like much of a prodigy when they got out of the car and piled into the large store. Kevin took one trolley while Neil took the other. Andrew, Neil and Nicky headed over to the junk food section first and Kevin took a detour to pile his own trolley with vegetables and other necessary things the others wouldn’t buy. 

He was looking through the fruit aisle when he heard him. 

“You’re so predictable.” 

Aaron came and stood beside him. Kevin’s gaze flicked to him for a moment before it was back to the fruits. Aaron was looking as well but without any interest. 

Kevin grabbed some apples and put them in a trolley. Aaron took hold of it before Kevin had a chance and they walked quietly to the part where they kept baking supplies. 

Kevin found a box of chocolate chip cookie mix and picked it up, reading over the instructions and ingredients. 

“I take it back.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow in question over the packet. 

“You’re not predictable. I didn’t think you’d want to eat chocolate chip cookies.”

“I felt like baking”, Kevin said, barely hearing his own voice. He threw the mix in the trolley and Aaron turned around to face him, leaning his elbows on the trolley and moving backwards. Kevin kept a watch behind him to make sure he wouldn’t bump into anyone although the store was mostly empty. 

“Why do you like walking backwards so much?” Kevin asked, after a moment of looking back and forth between the groceries and the aisle. 

“I can’t see you properly the other way”, Aaron said, looking right at him. Kevin’s mouth opened a little at the blatant honesty in Aaron’s words. He didn’t say anything back and after a minute, Aaron turned back around. They took a turn, Kevin saw some ketchup and put it in the trolley. 

“Get the other one, it’s better”, Aaron said. 

“I like this one”, Kevin replied, because he did. Still, he picked it up and kept it back. When he reached for the one Aaron had suggested, Aaron’s arm crossed under his to grab the one he’d kept back. They threw in both the bottles and kept walking in silence, until:

“Tell me something.” 

For some reason, Kevin had expected this. He could feel Aaron growing restless with the urge to break the anticipatory silence between them.

“What do you want to know?” Kevin asked, not looking at him. 

“Anything”, Aaron said, looking away as well. 

Kevin thought for a moment. Then, he decided to indulge Aaron. 

“I think I want to talk to Jean again.” 

“I think you should”, Aaron said. 

“I know”, replied Kevin, because he did know. Aaron had been the one to help him decide after all. He put 4 packets of spaghetti in the trolley. Aaron threw in some kind of sauce. 

“I don’t like beef”, Kevin said.

“Any particular reason for that?” Aaron asked. They were skimming through the shelves on opposite sides and Kevin took a moment to think. 

“No, not really.” 

“I like beef”, Aaron said. 

“Noted”, Kevin said, and threw in two packets of beef ramen along with other flavours Andrew liked. Aaron looked from the trolley to Kevin’s face and then back to the trolley and then back to Kevin’s face. Kevin pursed his lips and shrugged. 

Aaron pushed the trolley forward and they kept moving. Kevin put bread into it and felt conversation rise in him. 

“Did you know”, he began, reading the details of brown bread on the packet before keeping it back, “the Greeks used to dip their bread in wine.”

Aaron huffed as if to laugh and didn’t reply. 

Kevin bit his bottom lip, contemplating whether it was a good idea to mention history in front of Aaron. So far, they had talked about everything except the two factors of Kevin’s life that received most of his attention; History and Exy. His own past wasn’t amusing and mostly scarred but that was why history interested him so much; it was full of unamusing scars. He felt embarrassed to have mentioned it now. Maybe it was something they  _ didn’t  _ talk about, the way Andrew didn’t like talking about things that were boring, like history or Nicky didn’t like talking about things that were too depressing, like history. Neil liked it well enough. Kevin walked distractedly, overthinking Aaron’s silence. He looked up when they stopped next to a shelf full of alcoholic beverages. 

His heart stuttered with the urge to buy the entire shelf. Knowing the others they would’ve already stocked up on it but Aaron wasn’t looking at their go-to drinks. When Kevin followed his gaze he found that Aaron was looking at the wine. 

“Do people still do that?” Aaron asked, looking at Kevin. “Dip bread in wine?” 

“I don’t know”, Kevin said, trying not to smile as he realized where this was going. Aaron grabbed the cheapest bottle and added it to the other stuff. 

“Let’s try”, he said. 

“It’ll taste very different than it did back then”, Kevin said, with a grin. 

“I sure hope so”, Aaron said, as they approached the checkout where the others were standing with another trolley piled with junk. 

“You’re all supposed to eat healthier than that. You’re athletes”, Kevin remarked. 

Andrew was tossing skittles into Neil’s mouth who was missing quite a lot of them but catching them in his hands so they wouldn’t litter on the floor. Nicky was putting things on the check-out counter. 

“Yes, Kevin. We know, Kevin. I got the gummy bears you love, Kevin”, he said, so Kevin shut his mouth and felt a little known in a way he didn’t know he was allowed to be. He did love those gummy bears. He vowed not to over-indulge and shook the cookie mix in front of Andrew’s face before keeping it on the counter. 

“Why is there so much chocolate?” Kevin asked. 

“I got that”, Aaron said, from behind him. Kevin didn’t say anything but he wanted to ask why. He didn’t know Aaron liked chocolate that much. If he got a chance he’d ask later. 

  
  


When they got back home the sun was still high up in the sky. The sunlight outside looked harsh and bright through the kitchen window and Kevin was glad he wasn’t outside in this weather. He pulled out the cookie mix. 

The baking instructions were simple and he was excited to try, though he wouldn’t admit it. Like Neil, Kevin had, after thorough contemplation, decided to try new things. He’d talked to Neil about it, who had admitted that it was unreal to be allowed to do so much. But Neil was full of spite and energy, all he wanted to do was try things he had seen in passing on the run but now had the chance to explore. Kevin was more hesitant. 

A lot of the time, he didn’t know things existed until someone told him about it. He knew more about civilizations that had passed than he did about himself. He’d focused his early years so thoroughly on reading books and playing Exy and trying to breathe through pain, he hadn’t been aware there was much else of interest. And living in the Nest meant he had never found out either, unlike Neil who had had the chance to at least see what he was missing out on. 

Nicky had gone to his room to speak with Erik. Andrew and Neil went to their room and Kevin felt like he didn’t want to know what they were doing. He left the TV on the sports channel and let the familiar sounds filter into the kitchen. 

He felt calm as he stirred the ingredients together, concentrating the way he did when he was trying to take a shot at goal while Andrew defended it. 

“You’re thinking about Exy while making cookie dough. I don’t know how I know, but I can tell.”

Kevin looked up and his heart jumped from its resting place. Aaron strolled in and turned on the coffeemaker. 

He jumped onto the counter next to Kevin and quirked his eyebrows at the expression on Kevin’s face. Then he hopped off, grabbed a spoon and hopped back on again. 

He took a bite of cookie dough into the spoon and Kevin’s eyes widened. 

“What? You’ll eat bread with wine but not cookie dough?” 

“It’s not baked yet”, Kevin said, half-heartedly.

“Do you like desserts?” Aaron asked and took the bowl. 

“Yes”, Kevin said and took the bowl back. They tugged back and forth for a moment until Kevin gave Aaron a look and he let go. Kevin pulled out a dusty baking tray and started washing it in the sink while Aaron swung his legs under the counter and sneaked more cookie dough into his mouth. The kitchen filled with the soothing smell of coffee when Aaron hopped off again to pour some out in two mugs and Kevin started placing the cookie dough on the baking tray. 

Aaron tried to swipe one up but Kevin slapped his hand away lightly. 

He handed Kevin his coffee as soon as Kevin put the cookies in the oven. Kevin took a deep breath and drank. Then, he placed it on the counter, rubbed his eyes and yawned. 

Aaron’s head was tilted to the side as he stared at Kevin. 

Kevin tapped his finger gently on Aaron’s nose, hiding his face behind the giant coffee mug again. Aaron smiled a small smile at the gesture and as always it made Kevin’s mind and heart burst with a million emotions at once. 

He heard footsteps on the staircase and stepped back, moving nearer to the stove. Aaron’s face went blank as he turned his face the other way. 

Andrew walked into the kitchen, Neil trailing in after him. They looked around, saw no cookies and headed to the front door. 

“We’ll be back by dinner time”, Neil called out after them. Nicky’s loud laughter drifted from his room through the house, reminding Kevin that he wasn’t alone with Aaron. It did little to help his thoughts which had already run astray from him.

He thought his breathing was too loud or maybe he wasn’t breathing at all. It was so quiet, Kevin could hear the living room clock ticking away. 

He’d decided this morning he was going to let Aaron decide what this was going to be so he kept quiet and stood there. It took Aaron three minutes and seven seconds to move from his place and head over to Kevin. His gaze was on the floor as he stepped closer. 

Kevin closed his eyes and let himself believe it was a dream. 

Aaron placed his hand over Kevin’s on the counter. There was barely any space between them anymore. He looked down as Aaron looked up and they both looked the same kind of breathless. Aaron was biting his lip, looking confused. Kevin had never been more sure of what he wanted but he held himself back. This was not his to initiate, in his mind, though he wanted to. He so desperately wanted to kiss Aaron. 

He swallowed down the urge at the same time Aaron’s face cleared. 

Kevin was about to speak, something distracting, something they had talked about before, something interesting but at that moment Aaron took his face in his hands and pressed their lips together. 

Kevin’s mind went blank. 

He wanted to remember this, wanted to commit this to memory so thoroughly so that he could replay it in his dreams over and over until it felt fictitious. He didn’t know if he would be able to because he focused instead on kissing Aaron back. 

His face was flushed, eyes closed and Aaron was pushing him back against the counter, reaching for both his hands until their fingers intertwined. 

They kissed for a while until Nicky’s laugh rang out and again and they broke apart with a gasp. Kevin hit his head on the cupboard behind him, startled. Kevin's mouth was open as he looked at Aaron and he knew the fear he felt was bright as day on his face. Aaron laughed quietly and let go of his right hand to reach for the back of Kevin’s head. 

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked with another soft laugh. 

This wasn’t what Kevin had expected. He expected guilt and regret, not- not a grin and concern. 

“I’m okay”, he whispered, dazedly. The oven timer buzzed and Kevin broke away, hastily taking out the cookies.

“Are they finished?” he asked, breathlessly. He tried to ignore the fact that this didn’t feel like the normal way he obsessively liked someone. This didn’t feel like it had with Thea or Jean and- 

Aaron kept a hand on his back and Kevin looked sideways at him. 

“I’m okay”, he said again. Aaron looked worried.

“Should I not have done that?” he asked, quietly. Kevin ran a hand through his hair and he smiled when he closed his eyes. He’d been waiting for this.“You should have. I think you should do it again.”

“You do?” Aaron asked. Kevin nodded and looked him in the eyes until Aaron’s worry eased. He breathed a sigh of relief and leaned his head on Kevin’s shoulder. 

“I’ve been wanting to-”, Aaron said. 

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know if you’d want to.”

“I do.” 

They stood like that for a minute until they heard Nicky’s door open and jerked away. Kevin tried to keep his expression neutral as he piled the cookies onto a plate. 

“I thought I smelled cookies. Erik, Kevin’s made cookies for everyone.” 

Erik greeted him so Kevin mumbled back a faint ‘hello’, wondering if his face was as red as it felt.

Nicky turned the phone camera to Aaron so Erik could greet him as well. They spoke in German and Kevin tried to pay attention to the cookies instead of the way Aaron spoke it until he heard Katelyn’s name. Aaron’s eyes met his own across the room and Kevin looked away. He stood there awkwardly for a second, then grabbed a cookie and went to the living room. 

Slumping down on the couch he stared at the ceiling instead of the TV screen. He reminded himself it wasn’t easy, he still didn’t know where this would go. There were too many people and too many risks-

But, of course, the only thing that played on repeat in his head was their kiss. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all feel free to tell me if this is terrible thanks
> 
> my tumblr:unidentifiedshadowbusiness


	9. Bread & Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This felt more freeing than anything he had ever done before; as though an unasked question had received the perfect answer.

Kevin was a mess. 

It was impossible to quiet down his mind; everything led to only one thing, one moment, one kiss. Every thought made him more afraid.

He knew what his heart’s concern was because in his head, _ this was not allowed _ . Not because of Aaron, because of Andrew. The twins were a complicated mess, and Kevin was distressingly prone to finding himself in situations where saying something was worse than being quiet. He could still feel the weight of Andrew’s hands wrapped around his neck the last time Kevin had kept a secret from him.

It had taken him two months after Neil came back to them to look at Andrew’s face again, properly.

He had extracted his fears during practices simply because it was professional and a means for survival to him rather than the personal mess which the Foxes had intended to make it. He could argue with himself that it meant more to him than that; both his parents had been thoroughly involved in the sport, he had practically been raised on it, but it would lead nowhere. His lifelong connection to it was why it had become such an obsessively distant thing in his mind. 

It was easier to believe the words in his head. Aaron was off-limits because Andrew would kill him for this. 

But Aaron had kissed him. And he’d kissed Aaron back. 

It was only the truth. But it got more difficult to accept as time passed and the day filled with the warm smell of cookies faded into a night of staring blankly at the TV and then blankly at the ceiling. At some point Nicky was in the room with him, talking about something. Kevin wasn’t sure if he responded. 

He closed his eyes when Andrew and Neil got home. The looming sense of dread expanded in his chest and he felt like Andrew would be able to tell he was hiding something just by looking at him. He could hear the two bickering in the hallway. 

Neil walked in after a while, Kevin felt the couch shift with his weight as he leaned on the back of it to peer down at Kevin. 

“We got Chinese.” 

Kevin hummed. 

“No lecture? We’ve been getting take-out almost everyday. You’ve been eating it.” 

Kevin sighed at Neil’s curiosity and his roundabout way of asking questions. He didn’t feel like answering anything. 

“Okay”, he said dismissively. Neil frowned, concerned. He stared at Kevin for a while then shrugged and left. 

Kevin looked back at the ceiling. He fell asleep soon after and no one bothered him again, for a while.

Drifting in and out of sleep, Kevin heard the sounds of doors being locked and hushed whispers; the lights were switched off and soon enough the house became quiet and daunting. He woke up to someone nudging his knee. 

Aaron was sitting on the floor next to the couch. 

“Hi”, he whispered. He hadn’t turned on any lights and Kevin could faintly make out his features in the dark. He was wearing his glasses, his expression relaxed. 

“Hm”, Kevin said, to fill the silence. 

Aaron poked his cheek. Then, stroked it. 

Kevin closed his eyes again.

It felt like a dream but he didn’t want it to be. His dreams often ended in nightmarish realities and he never really got used to it. 

“I was reading about the Greeks and their bread and wine. If it was true.” 

Kevin almost smiled. Something in his chest, some tight knot of anxiety, eased slowly as Aaron kept stroking his cheek. “Don’t trust me?” he asked.

“Should I?” Aaron replied. Kevin felt him kiss his cheek and press his nose against Kevin’s jaw. He didn’t know what to say. On the couch, Aaron took his hand. 

He wasn’t good enough with words to describe the comfort he felt, being close to Aaron through this sleepy haze. 

“I’m going to get the wine and bread”, Aaron said with a sigh, moving back.

“You’re going to- what time is it?” Kevin asked, suddenly. 

“Three-thirty, last I checked.” 

“Is everyone else asleep?” He was not in any mood to deal with chaos. 

Aaron frowned. He didn’t look surprised by the question. “Yes, I think so.”

Kevin nodded and began to sit up. Aaron kept a hand on his arm and urged him to lie back down. “You stay here, I’ll be right back”, Aaron said, getting up hastily and quietly. 

Kevin sighed, pulling the blanket upwards and snuggling his nose into it. 

“I have it”, he heard Aaron say while sitting back down. He heard him pour out the wine into a big wine glass. Kevin sat up a little and grabbed the bottle itself. 

“Wait”, Aaron said. “So we’ve got to dip the bread into the wine and then eat it.” 

Kevin took a big sip out of the bottle and shrugged. “I don’t know how to make it less complicated than that.” 

“I used to eat all sorts of weird things. I don’t think this will taste half as bad.”

Kevin was still asleep in his head, it took him a moment to process what was happening when he realized it was three-something a.m. and he was about to eat bread and wine with Aaron Minyard in a dark room. And they had kissed the day before. 

_ Just let it happen.  _

Aaron took the first bite and Kevin watched quietly for a reaction. Aaron’s eyes widened a little. “This is good”, he said. Kevin took a bite and almost spat it out. 

Aaron laughed without making a sound. “It’s good, I’m serious”, Aaron insisted. 

“What is wrong with you?” Kevin asked, grimacing. 

“You’ve got no taste, Kev.”

Kevin leaned his head back. “Kev?” he asked, pointedly. 

“Shut up”, Aaron said, hiding his face in the wine glass. He’d left the kitchen light on, which helped Kevin see red creeping up his neck. He was glad he wasn’t the only one who felt this. Glad and terrified. He took another large sip. 

“It’s cheap wine, nothing about it is good”, Kevin said. 

“You’re the only one used to fancy things in this house.” 

“Your brother has a Maserati”, Kevin argued. 

“He’s not used to ‘fancy’”, Aaron said, keeping his glass down. He got up and shifted to the couch. “He just likes expensive cars.”

“You don’t?” 

“Not really? They look good but expensive things all seem so fragile.” 

“You sound like you’re not talking about the car anymore.” Aaron’s knee touched his. They were looking at each other, still and unhurried. 

Aaron shrugged. 

“You kissed me”, Kevin blurted out, sleep-warmth fading away. 

“I did”, Aaron whispered. 

“Why?”

“Why did you kiss me back?” 

“I wanted to”, Kevin said. 

“So did I. I-” Aaron broke off, then continued in a whisper, “I still do.”

Their stare didn’t break for a second up until the moment Aaron glanced down at his lips and Kevin leaned forward. Slowly, like he had all the time in the world, he pressed their lips together again. It felt everything and nothing like before. 

He was surrounded by the smell and taste of cheap wine as he raised a hand to cup Aaron’s cheek. Aaron held his glass away from them and surged forward, intent on reciprocating. They kissed for a moment until Kevin broke away. Aaron breathed out a sigh, slow and content, his eyelashes fanned over his cheeks, shadows cast all over and Kevin was struck again how different he looked from Andrew. The reminder of Andrew was strong enough to make him move back but then Aaron kept his glass on the floor and took Kevin’s face in his hands, the way he had yesterday, and kissed him again. 

Kevin ran his fingers through Aaron’s hair pulling him forward instead of pushing him away. 

_ I don’t want to stop doing this _ , was his last thought before he gave himself over to the feeling that was steadily overwhelming him. 

Soon enough, he was lying on the couch, this time with Aaron on top of him, pressing him down. After kissing for an indeterminable amount of time, Aaron traced light fingers over Kevin’s cheekbone. Kissed his nose. His brow. And then collapsed weightless into his arms. 

“I’m so tired”, he mumbled into Kevin’s neck. 

Kevin was precariously aware of everything around him and lost at the same time. The sudden yet slow surety of it. He wrapped his arms around Aaron, felt him relax in the embrace and tried to even out his breathing. His heart was beating so fast, he was sure Aaron could hear it.

He knew anyone could walk in at any moment, but he also knew it felt good to hold Aaron. Aaron, whose glasses were askew on his face, nothing more than a lump of restful peace in his arms. 

“Did you sleep at all?” Kevin whispered, carefully extracting the glasses off of Aaron's face and keeping them aside. Aaron shook his head without opening his eyes. 

They held onto each other, comfortable. Aaron spoke first: 

“Nicky’s leaving tomorrow.”

Kevin did not know this. But there was only one place Nicky would go besides here. 

“Erik?” he said. Aaron nodded, his hair tickling Kevin’s neck. He had a faint (vivid) idea why Aaron was telling him this. 

“Okay”, he said. Aaron sighed and relaxed more. 

Kevin wanted nothing more than to stay in his embrace but as soon as his mind began to drift into slumber, warm and buzzed, his heart spiked in panic. He shook for only a second but Aaron felt it. He sat up, looking behind him immediately. There was no one there, Kevin said as much. 

Aaron looked torn between slumping down again or turning around and going back to his room. Despite his want, Kevin said, “You should go to bed.” 

The sun would be out soon and with the awful sleep everyone in the house had...Kevin wanted to stop thinking more than anything. He wanted this to be easy. He wanted to be a boy who liked a boy and sometimes wanted to kiss him till they both grew tired of kissing altogether, and hold him till his arms fell off. This was what interest meant for Kevin, it was  _ everything,  _ all at once. It scared him a bit. 

Aaron nodded. Aaron hesitated. Kevin’s eyes softened. 

He pulled him down for another kiss, helplessly. 

This time, like every other before it, it went to his head. Aaron kissed him back just as passionately, and when they broke apart, he didn’t say anything. He kissed his brow, gave him a small smile and stood up. Kevin watched him leave, smile fading with Aaron’s footsteps. 

He kept meeting Aaron's eyes every time Aaron drifted in and out of the room. Kevin was lying on the couch trying to watch his Exy game and Aaron was pacing the house trying to grab Nicky’s things last minute while grumbling about his cousin’s panic. Every time he walked into the living room, Kevin’s eyes strayed from the TV screen to look and every time he found Aaron already looking. 

“Why do you need these sunglasses? Just get more when you get there”, Aaron grumbled, rushing from Nicky’s room to the door where Nicky was standing with his suitcases. Andrew and Neil were waiting by the car, he assumed, when he heard a loud honk. 

“ _ He _ gave them to me!” 

Kevin would have heard Aaron’s sigh from a mile away. There was the sound of Nicky hugging his cousin in a rush and then, “Kevin, I’m leaving! Take care of these assholes.” 

“Bye”, Kevin called out, as loud as he could but he didn’t think anyone heard. The door shut behind him and Kevin let out a deep breath, glad for the silence. 

Aaron didn’t say anything as he walked to the couch and sat next to Kevin. Kevin pressed himself against the back of it to give Aaron more space and he, carefully, didn’t look away from the screen. Aaron snapped his fingers in front of his face. Kevin blinked, still not looking, trying not to smile. Aaron tugged at his shirt, poked his stomach and Kevin’s shoulders shook with silent laughter but he didn’t make a sound and he didn’t look his way. He should have seen it coming, really. 

Aaron started to tickle him and Kevin let out an inevitable laugh before grabbing his arm to stop him. He looked at Aaron and Aaron looked back. Kevin didn’t have time to say anything before Aaron pressed their lips together in a welcome kiss. Kevin closed his eyes and ran his fingers through Aaron’s hair. They didn’t break away as Kevin sat up or when he pulled Aaron into his lap. There was a steadily increasing urgency in their kisses, now that they were alone. Aaron’s arms hung over his shoulders and the position gave him an otherwise absent height advantage. Kevin all but forgot anything else existed for a while.

And then, the fervour dimmed and their kisses slowed. Tracing light fingers over Kevin’s jaw, Aaron kissed him softly. Again. And again. And again. 

Until they were both left a breathless mess after which Aaron rested their foreheads together. Kevin opened his eyes to find Aaron’s squeezed shut. Kevin took the moment for what it was, noting every place they touched, their shared breaths, and let the feeling in his heart free. He didn’t think he could have let it sit there for long, either way. This felt more freeing than anything he had ever done before; as though an unasked question had received the perfect answer. 

Aaron opened his eyes and in the silence, cradled Kevin’s face in his hands and kissed the tattooed mark on his cheekbone. Kevin’s eyes widened, but Aaron only pulled him closer and tucked his face in Kevin’s neck. He was left staring with shocked eyes as someone scored on screen, a match rerun still going on. He didn’t even know who it was. 

Kevin had never done this before. His romantic experiences were limited and both of them had been laced with underlying fear and too heavy a past to erase from his mind. Aaron was...unknown. Thea was a rush, an attempt to reminisce the past without remembering it. But she was undoubtedly a Raven and Kevin wasn’t, not anymore. And  _ Jean _ . He did not like to think of Jean too much, it weighed him down. He couldn’t help but want to reach out to him, even now. And, here, with Aaron this close to him, he couldn’t feel a speck of the agitation he felt all the time. He felt almost calm enough to fall asleep right where he was. 

Aaron took a breath and Kevin shivered when he let it out. He felt Aaron’s smile against his skin. 

It was only a little while before Aaron whispered, “Tell me something.”

Kevin couldn’t help his own smile. He was still thinking about how comfortable he felt but he didn’t think he could say it out loud. “You don’t like staying quiet for too long, do you?” 

“I like staying quiet around people I don’t _want_ to talk to.” 

“And you _want_ to talk to me?”

“More and more everyday. Weird, isn’t it?” Kevin could tell he was smiling again and it wasn’t surprising at all, Kevin was smiling still. He couldn’t believe how easy it felt to do so. Kevin looked at the TV screen again for a moment. 

“Why’d you start playing Exy?” Everyone and their mother knew why Kevin did it. Kevin was the face of Exy. He knew bits and pieces of everyone’s past and how they’d gotten roped into the game, all except Aaron. Aaron didn't reply for a minute.

“To stay out of the house”, Aaron said, simply, eventually. He wasn’t smiling anymore and Kevin regretted bringing it up, knowing how awful memories could be. Aaron didn’t give him a chance to linger on his regret, continuing. “The practices kept me at school longer. I lied about games and game nights as often as I could.” A pause. He knew Aaron would be biting his lip, the way he did when he was thinking of what to say next. 

“She gave me a lot of shit for staying out though.” Aaron lifted his arm and pointed to somewhere behind them. Kevin couldn’t see where, and he couldn’t see Aaron’s face. He thought maybe it helped to talk without being looked at. “That’s where she broke a bottle over my arm when I got home after midnight, once.” Kevin was glad he couldn’t see considering the way his heart fell at the thought. The Foxes considered him the ‘normal’ twin but the tell-tale signs of abuse still lingered in their faded scars and broken recollections. 

Suddenly, Aaron shifted. Kevin thought he’d leave, that he’d decided Kevin was undeserving of this information. But Aaron plopped his head on Kevin’s thigh and spread out on the couch, feet dangling off the edge. 

He pointed to the staircase. “There’s a creaking stair over there, we never got it fixed. Andrew and I know to skip it and Neil learnt without being told. You don’t come upstairs enough for me to know. Yet.” 

Kevin stroked Aaron’s hair and let him talk. 

“This place used to look and smell like shit. Andrew threw out so much, by the time he was done it didn’t even look like the house I’d grown up in.” 

“I forgot”, Kevin interrupted. 

“That I’ve lived here forever?” Aaron looked up at him with a sad grin. “I wish I could.” 

Kevin understood exactly what he meant. Aaron told him about the drugs, how easy it was to steal them. How much he had hated Andrew for locking him up but knew now how much he had needed it. He’d needed the harsh reality of what he was stuck with, the absence of his mother who’s recovery he’d silently prayed for all his life and a brother who had appeared in his life too late. He’d been talking about the way Andrew used to be before the medication when they heard the familiar screech of tires outside. Kevin’s hand stilled in Aaron’s hair. Aaron sat up, looking at Kevin with an expression so disconsolate, Kevin’s own face fell. He knew what was coming.

“Don’t tell him”, Aaron whispered, to the sound of car doors opening. Kevin knew it wasn’t ideal, knew they’d have to hide this. It was unthinkable, he was sure it would be more of a surprise than anything the Foxes had ever received if they ever found out. Andrew, however, was a different case altogether. And, there it was. As easy as it had left, it was back. 

_ There’s the fear I’ve missed.  _

“I won’t”, Kevin said.

“We’ll talk at night”, Aaron kissed his cheek and took to the opposite end of the couch a heartbeat before the door opened. Kevin slumped down and looked at the screen, but for the first time in his entire life, he couldn’t focus on the game even a little bit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would have been updated sooner if I hadn't injured my fucking hand, y'all... I had to pull a Kevin Day and learn how to use my non-dominant hand for literally everything. Loads of love, hope y'all like this. Kudos and comments are love, love, loved in this household, so thank you to everyone.   
> [Tumblr.](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/unidentifiedshadowbusiness)


	10. Conversations & Careers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, he let himself be held and, with every passing second, felt his mind slip into the gracefully thoughtless haze he’d been craving for so long. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

“You can argue that it’s just a sport but I would say you’re wrong only because it isn’t to me. My life  _ is  _ dependent on it, it always has been. I can’t not take it seriously.”

“But everyone else’s life isn’t. You can go easy on them on Court, you know.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. Aaron and him had been walking and talking for a while now, leaving the house carelessly early. Kevin was almost sure Andrew or Neil had heard them leave, he just wasn’t sure if they would check. They’d become so distracted with each other, this summer in particular, that there was little else which bothered them. Kevin wasn’t willing to address his own attraction until someone else was and he let the panic of discovery stew in his gut as he always did. 

“What’s the point of giving it my all if they’re going to half-ass everything? They could make an effort.”

Aaron shook his head. “You are hopelessly obsessed.”

“I am. And what about it?” 

“Nothing”, Aaron said. “I understand. You aren’t as prickly as you were during your first year over here, though.”

Kevin tried to think of the last time someone had told him they understood him and failed.   
“I’m trying to control myself outside of it, but reprimanding people on Court is almost as instinctive to me as it is for Neil to start fights.” 

This time, Aaron nodded. “That makes much more sense.” Kevin took that as cue to continue and went on ahead. 

“Things need to be proper on the Court. There’s publicity and there’s staying in the positive spotlight, which is important. Somehow, Neil is still alive despite wrecking havoc all the time. Sometimes, I wish I would also drop the act and tell those reporters how fucking rude they’re being but the consequences of that…I don’t want to think about it. It’s a bit of a clinical process for me.”

Aaron took his hand and swung it a little between them. They’d reached Aaron’s park but they didn’t go over to the swings. They walked the road and then turned around to head back. 

“What are you going to do? After all this? Doctor Minyard?” Kevin asked. 

Aaron sighed. “It’s better than Exy, that’s for sure.”

“Are you comparing a doctorate to my sport?” 

“ _ Your _ sport?” Aaron grinned. “Calm down, I just can’t imagine being an athlete forever. It  _ is  _ a hobby, it’s going to stay that way.” 

Kevin thought what it would be like to have Exy as a side hobby but couldn’t imagine it. Still, he was glad Aaron was at least interested in it, enough to let him talk. He couldn’t imagine speaking in depth with someone who wouldn’t offer feedback on the sport. 

“What if you were becoming a doctor?”

Kevin made a face so confused Aaron laughed. “Can you honestly imagine me being a doctor?” 

“Yes, I have a very good imagination”, Aaron said. “You _could_ be something other than a professional Exy player..”

“I don’t think so”, Kevin said, a little disturbed by the idea he had never entertained before,

“I think so”, Aaron began. “You’re interested in history, you could become a professor if you pursue it properly.” 

“A professor? You think I should be less critical of the Foxes, do you  _ really  _ believe I have the patience to handle students?”

“Okay, fair”, Aaron said and turned to face Kevin, walking backwards. He switched the hand holding Kevin’s and Kevin tried to focus on the topic at hand. “But you like repetition, you wouldn’t be a bad teacher.”

“Well, can you see yourself becoming anything except a doctor?”

“Hell no”, Aaron squinted as if Kevin had asked the stupidest question. “Not after all this time I’ve spent studying and, oh.”

Kevin gave him a knowing look and shook his head. Of course, it was the same with Kevin. All that time and effort given to something, it was truly difficult now to even think about being something that wasn’t expected of him. Aaron stopped walking, their hands hung loosely between them, and slouched making him seem even smaller than he was. 

Kevin was about to grab his shoulders and straighten them but Aaron said, “My legs are tired.” Instead of following through on his posture correction Kevin replied, almost on instinct.

“Do you want me to carry you?” 

Aaron straightened himself and stared at Kevin with wide eyes. “Piggyback?” he whispered, and really, Kevin was as surprised as he was at the offer. His face felt too warm and he was about to tell Aaron to forget about it. 

“Alright. You’ve lifted me up before I’m sure you can carry me.”

Kevin was sure too, but he wasn’t expecting such enthusiastic agreement. Aaron walked behind him and Kevin crouched so he could hop onto his back. Aaron wrapped his arms round Kevin’s neck, Kevin’s own hands placed neatly under Aaron’s thighs. Hesitantly, he felt Aaron hide his face behind Kevin’s neck. Kevin thought fleetingly about how comforting and welcome Aaron’s touch felt and then tried to stop feeling altogether. He couldn’t do it. 

“I bet I can carry both you and Neil at the same time”, he mumbled, trying to change the topic. 

“What would that prove?”, Aaron whispered against his neck. Kevin was sure it was on purpose, because Aaron's breath made him jolt. 

“I don’t know”, Kevin replied, slowly. 

“I don’t like Neil.”

“I know.”

“You’re very warm”, Aaron whispered again, leaning closer. Kevin fixed his position and kept walking. Aaron kissed his neck and pressed his cold nose against the side of it. Kevin hissed at the feeling. Aaron kissed his neck again. 

“I’ll drop you”, Kevin said, trying to breathe. 

Aaron smiled and Kevin felt it against his skin. “I’ll burn your Exy racquet.”

“Shut up, you wouldn't.”

“How do you know that?” Aaron asked, amused. 

“Your brother tried to burn it when he got here. You weren’t there.” 

“Oh”, Aaron said. Something in his voice shifted. “Can you tell us apart?”

“Most of the time.”

A heartbeat passed. 

“Do you want to kiss him as well?” 

Kevin hesitated. “Maybe I did. Before.”

Aaron grew silent. Kevin didn’t want to ruin this easy peace but he’d admitted it and he couldn’t take it back. 

“Years ago. When we’d met. Not for a while now.” 

Aaron’s grip over his shoulders tightened a bit and Kevin adjusted their position as he kept walking. Aaron was a little too still behind him and Kevin began to worry. He couldn’t see his face, didn’t know if there was scorn or anger on his face. Thea had never liked him speaking of anyone else in the light of attraction. 

“Not after Baltimore”, Kevin whispered and Aaron heard him. 

Aaron let out a deep breath. “After he hurt you?” 

“Yes”, Kevin admitted. He had been ignoring it, properly avoiding the fact that Andrew had hurt him. Protection had always been Andrew’s precedent but control over his violence had rarely been his priority. He had hurt Allison before to protect Aaron. Kevin had never thought that Andrew's violence would turn on him and he tried to justify it in his head but it hadn’t been the first time. Andrew had pulled a knife on him before, while he was on his medication and Kevin had defended him in his mind then as he still did sometimes. But, the grief of it left him a bit hollow and fearful sometimes, especially considering Aaron. He didn’t know if there was anyone who would address it without a black and white perspective. He wondered if Andrew truly felt no guilt.

“I didn’t think he would hurt you”, Aaron said, softly. 

Kevin focused on his steps. “I didn’t think he would hurt me either.” 

It was quiet for a moment, then Aaron said, “Let me down.”

Kevin stopped altogether. It was the wrong idea, he knew, to have addressed this. As confusing as Andrew was, Aaron was also unknown. After Neil had returned to them, Andrew had chosen to stay by Neil’s side, breaking the useless deal the brothers had made officially. But Kevin knew concern didn’t end in a day or even longer, it was difficult to let go of care just as much as it was to let go of fear. Aaron jumped off his back and Kevin thought about how easy it was to break this fragile thing between them. Easy, and he was rather sure he had. He shouldn’t have said it. 

Aaron came to stand in front of him and looked at his face. Kevin met his eyes and kept his expression as neutral as possible. He didn’t understand the twins' relationship, but there was no need for Aaron to defend Kevin and every possibility of him understanding his brother. The streetlight made Aaron look as different from Andrew as he possibly could and so did the open conflict on his face. Kevin didn’t relax as he waited for Aaron to speak and when he didn’t, prompted. 

“What is it?” 

His heart beat fast, awaiting disapproval. 

“I want to hug you”, Aaron conceded. 

He couldn’t help the surprise on his face. “Oh.” 

Aaron raised an eyebrow and Kevin didn’t know what to do. He stepped closer. Aaron looked him in the eyes and asked, “Can I hug you?” 

Kevin nodded and waited as Aaron slowly wrapped his arms around Kevin’s waist. 

Kevin had been hugged before, of course. Abby was a hugger, she loved to offer her support through physical affection and there were also the on Court hugs after a good shot or a victory. But never like this. Deliberately. Carefully. 

Aaron relaxed into his chest and Kevin wrapped his own arms over Aaron’s shoulders, not surprised at all at how good it still felt to hold him this close. 

Through some miracle, he felt himself relax into the embrace as well. He felt Aaron’s grip tighten as he exhaled.  _ There is no one else here,  _ Kevin told himself.  _ Just let it happen.  _

So, he let himself be held and, with every passing second, felt his mind slip into the gracefully thoughtless haze he’d been craving for so long. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back bitches. :') Hope y'all haven't give up on me yet.   
> Here's a hug for you, wish someone would hold me so I could let my mind slip into the gracefully thoughtless haze I've been craving for so long.   
> Love y'all, kudos and comments are appreciated, genuinely support is what keeps me going but also, I am insufferable and lowkey just do whatever I want now, cheers.   
> [I also have a tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kevindavidday)


	11. Praise and Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin didn’t want to hear it from Aaron. Didn’t want such unexpected praise to turn brutally honest in the next second. He’d heard it all before but he didn’t want to hear it from Aaron.

The one thing Kevin couldn’t understand about his unshakable attraction towards Aaron was how difficult it was to both look at and look away from him. 

Recognizing attraction was easy, he wasn’t one to deny something as simple as that. Doing something about it was the difficult part but they’d crossed that bridge as well, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to take Aaron’s hand in his own in front of others anytime soon. He was giving himself time, maybe this got easier with time. For now, he was content to look. 

They were at Eden’s for the last weekend before they left for Abby’s on Monday. They had all, including Wymack, managed to keep Kevin away from Court long enough, he was more than thrilled to go back. Aaron was drinking and Kevin had, with an incredible attempt at self-restraint, limited himself. He was listening to Aaron ramble about some show he had watched and how stupid it was. 

“Completely illogical”, Aaron said. “There was no reason for them to have done what they did and they still did it. I was pissed. I was angry, Kevin. Kev. Kevin.”

Kevin was yet to find out what it was exactly the show creators had done to piss Aaron off but it was possible he would never know. They had been talking even more these past few days if that was possible. Kevin was shocked at how much he had to say and how much he liked to listen to Aaron’s opinions on things. Aaron had a lot of opinions. Much like his brother he pretended to be indifferent towards most things but once Kevin managed to poke him with the right questions Aaron had nothing but theories and reactions. Kevin found it incredibly amusing.

Steadily, Aaron’s slurred voice changed to unrestrained, drunken praise towards Kevin. 

Kevin looked around the crowd to make sure no one they knew was in hearing radius and then looked back just as Aaron reached a hand to tap his nose. 

“And your nose”, Aaron continued a previous thought, squinting up at Kevin. “Why is your nose perfect?”

Kevin didn’t know what that meant. It was just his nose. “I don’t know?” he tried. 

Aaron’s voice was almost frustrated as he carried on, gesturing at Kevin’s entire being. 

“How dare you? Have you seen your eyes? They’re like- like-” Aaron reached for another drink and Kevin couldn’t help but smile at Aaron’s search for another word. He took the drink from Aaron’s hand before he could finish it and handed him a water bottle instead. 

“Are you trying to write poetry?” Kevin asked, remembering suddenly the revelation from a while ago. 

“Do I need to? I’ll do it”, Aaron said, keeping the water bottle down and clearing his throat. 

“You don’t need to”, Kevin said but Aaron was already thinking up synonyms of beauty and grace and pretending like Kevin could be flattered by a thesaurus. Kevin found himself laughing along with Aaron, who slouched back on his chair and stared at the ceiling as he thought some more. 

“I don’t think I can put your patience into words”, he said, decidedly.  _ Patience?  _

“If anything, I’m impatient”, Kevin insisted but Aaron shot him down, shaking his hand in front of his face. 

“You survived, didn’t you?” Kevin shrugged. They all had  _ survived.  _ Survival was the bare minimum.

“I think you’ve got plenty of patience.” Aaron’s voice was determined but slowed by the drinks. “And you’ve got a lot to say. When you talk to me it shows, doesn’t it? You’re-” Aaron paused.

Kevin wasn’t smiling anymore because Aaron didn’t sound like he was joking. He sounded very very sure of himself. 

He didn’t know what Aaron was going to say next but he knew it would take him by surprise whatever it may be. 

_ Obtuse. Angry. A wreck. Thoughtless. Helpless. Harsh. Insensitive.  _

_ A Coward.  _

Kevin didn’t want to hear it from Aaron. Didn’t want such unexpected praise to turn brutally honest in the next second. He’d heard it all before but he didn’t want to hear it from Aaron. All else aside, he enjoyed Aaron’s presence most of all and he’d spent a long time wondering if it was Aaron himself or if he would have fallen for the kindness of anyone who showed him a speck of decent conversation. He’d swept it aside as useless because it  _ was _ Aaron, now. 

He thought that even if the attraction faded, which was unlikely, he would still very much like Aaron’s presence around him. Kisses or not, Aaron was the closest thing he had to a friend. 

He didn’t want the reality of his mistaken personality to crush a summer’s worth of learning. 

“You’re-”, Aaron began to speak but Kevin moved before he had a chance and placed his hand over Aaron’s mouth. Aaron's stilled for a second before raising his own hand to wrap around Kevin’s. Kevin looked away from him as he said, “That’s enough, thank you.” Aaron removed Kevin’s hand from his face gently.

“You don’t know what I was going to say.” 

Kevin shrugged, feigning nonchalance although his heart was beating out of his chest. 

“I can guess.” 

“I doubt it, I spent a full minute thinking about it.”

Kevin huffed a small laugh. “A minute is hardly enough time to know someone.”

“I know you. You’re-” Kevin sent him a scathing look as if it would silence him but Aaron rolled his eyes and said, “You’re actually pretty affectionate.” 

Kevin was prepared to defend himself but he stopped altogether. 

“What do you mean affectionate?” he whispered.  _ Was that a bad thing?  _

“I mean, you’re not as bad as you think you are.”

“I’m not the one who thinks I’m terrible”, he argued, still not moving. 

“I know”, Aaron said, pointedly, looking at him like he understood exactly what Kevin meant. Aaron wasn’t past everyone else’s misconstrued and rotten judgement either. He truly did understand. 

“Would you believe me if I said the same thing about you?” Kevin asked, confused. 

“Probably not”, Aaron nodded. “They’re coming back.” Kevin looked behind him and watched as Andrew and Neil headed over to the table. Kevin, as usual, tried to will his mind into silence and failed. 

What did Aaron mean by  _ affectionate?  _ He didn’t remember any moment in particular where he’d given affection out of bounds, he had only been...himself. What did he need to do to navigate this and not have it fall apart? Was he supposed to accept the fact that he calmed down significantly in Aaron’s presence as compared to everyone else’s or was he supposed to wait until summer ended so they could move on with their lives? Was he supposed to move on from this? He didn’t want to. 

The way back to the house was both silent and still. They piled into it, all of them tired and dragging their feet. Kevin all but collapsed on the couch before him and instead of going to his room, Aaron took the other end of it. Kevin turned his head to the familiar ceiling and closed his eyes. 

A few minutes later, he heard the front door open again and Neil stopped on his way out to say, “We’ll be back by Monday.” He shut the door to the sound of the car starting again and then they were alone again. Andrew and Neil leaving to go off somewhere wasn’t unusual but Kevin still looked at Aaron in confusion. Aaron only rolled his eyes at Neil even though the man was gone already. 

He moved easily as Kevin relaxed into the couch and Aaron used his leg as a pillow. Instinctively, Kevin brushed his fingers through Aaron’s unruly hair and heard him sigh. A few seconds later Aaron sat up, tapping Kevin’s leg. 

“C’mon”, he said, standing up. 

“I’m too tired to walk outside”, Kevin said. Aaron blinked at him as if he was being stupid. 

“Get up, you can sleep upstairs.” 

Kevin stilled at the suggestion. Before he had a chance to think a second thought, Aaron reached out and rubbed at the crease between his brows.

“Don’t overthink it. You can sleep on the couch if you want, of course.” Aaron said knowing full well the couch wasn’t half as comfortable as his bed would be. There was no harm in it, no reason for Kevin to refuse and he truly didn’t want to. 

They walked up with lazy footsteps and when Kevin stepped on the creaking stair, Aaron turned around to give him a slightly drunken grin. Kevin smiled at Aaron’s back and followed him into his room. 

He’d never seen Aaron’s room before, of course. It was in complete disarray but Kevin wasn’t surprised. The desk lamp was open on what looked like a million notebooks, Aaron’s scrambled writing on most of them. A few books with interesting names, words scratched onto the wooden surface and chipped paint at the bottom of the walls. Kevin saw the sheer curtains let in the street light and walked towards the bed cautiously. 

_ Don’t overthink it.  _

But his heart was beating so incredibly fast. 

He took in more of the room. Clothes strewn on the floor, the laundry basket, the open cupboard door and another standing lamp lit in the corner of the room. There was a small bookshelf cramped with books and it looked perfectly out of place and at home in the room. Aaron left for the bathroom, looking slightly tipsy and told Kevin to make himself comfortable.

Kevin didn’t feel like anything was expected of him here. The bed was as comfortable as he thought it would be and he settled onto it with a stretch and a yawn. He looked out the window and wondered how he got here in the first place. Wondered what he’d done to achieve the ease with which his eyes closed in this new room. 

He heard Aaron’s deliberate footsteps enter the room soon enough and didn’t move. Aaron moved quietly, he always did but seeing Kevin asleep he walked towards the lights with the lightest of steps and switched them off with great care. It made Kevin smile. 

Aaron took the comforter and tucked it over Kevin before slipping under the covers himself. Kevin could feel Aaron’s stare with his eyes closed.

“I know you’re awake”, Aaron whispered. 

“Did you trip in the bathroom?” 

“Shut up.” A pause. “Yes.” Kevin smiled again. There it was, so easy. He opened his eyes. 

Aaron waited five seconds before leaning forward and kissing him. Kevin felt sluggish and warm under the covers, peaceful. Almost divine. 

“If I hugged you right now, would you mind?” Aaron asked, quietly. There was no one else in the house but Kevin loved that he still whispered. Instead of answering, Kevin raised his arm and Aaron settled against him. He wrapped his arm around Aaron’s back and felt Aaron’s arm slip around his waist. 

It was easy. 

It was perfect. 

It was the best sleep he had in ages. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me why i can't stop laughing at the last line  
> sorry if there's errors its like 3 AM love y'all


	12. Return & Rumination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Except me”, Aaron said, finally looking at him.   
> “Except you”, he replied, looking back

It was the laziest Sunday of Kevin’s life and the ever-present voice urging him onto a court was all but a hushed whisper when Aaron kissed him. 

Kevin lost himself.

He had thought perhaps the feeling would fade once he kissed Aaron and a part of him had been praying he would hate it so he could be rid of his thoughts, but every time he looked at Aaron all he could think of was the careful and boldly, heartfelt gestures. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that when they were lying on the couch, watching one of Aaron’s favourite movies, leaned back against him he felt almost entirely carefree. 

One of the most important things to Kevin was sleep and it was important because it was difficult. He had a love-hate relation with it but he knew himself well enough to know that he could fall asleep properly _only_ if he was comfortable enough. Kevin was rarely ever comfortable, but he was now as he felt his eyes slip shut, dazed in Aaron’s arms. 

Staying awake was a task on its own but so was staying asleep and nightmares were a common occurrence for all the Foxes. When one of them stirred awake in the dorms to the sound of their teammates sobs or ragged breathings it was a small kindness to let them recover at their own pace, or in a few cases to offer help. Nicky was always kind enough to fetch Kevin a water bottle at 3 am until Kevin started sleeping with one beside him. 

The Foxes were a weird bunch who showed their care in wildly different ways. There were the obvious gestures like the ones Nicky, Matt and Renee were used to making, then the silent gestures, like those of Andrew and Neil. For the most part, Kevin realized, both Aaron and him were awfully distant from the lot. It wasn’t as though he didn’t care about them; he just wasn’t sure how his presence could ever have a healing effect on anyone. It could be a side effect of all the years spent being told he was a self-centred, arrogant, Exy-obsessed fool or it could be the truth. But if something truly caught his interest or affection it would sit in his mind like an unwanted guest whether he acknowledged it or not. Maybe it was just how he was. Maybe it was another misconstrued spiral of thoughts. He often thought of himself when he was distracted, wondered about his own performances and acts, about his character and his self-esteem, his behaviours and his relationships. He often tried to convince himself it was a courtesy he awarded to himself because no one else would pay him any mind.

Kevin wasn’t past calling himself selfish. All things considered, selfishness was necessary to survive but he had to remind himself daily that he wasn’t just surviving anymore.

Aaron tapped his shoulder and kissed his cheek. “Watch, this is the best part”, he said and Kevin opened his eyes again. 

The rest of the day was spent gathering their stuff so they wouldn’t forget anything before heading to Abby’s the next day followed by hours spent kissing and fumbling about on the couch.  _ It’s a relief _ , Kevin thought, in all his touch-starved glory. 

In the evening, the familiar sound of tires filled the house before dying down and they both separated, Aaron to stay in his room until they left and Kevin to go for a run, even though he didn’t like them, because he didn't want to look either Andrew or Neil in the face. 

When he got back the house was quiet and he wanted to walk upstairs and pass out in Aaron’s bed like last night, but he settles down on the couch to catch his breath, instead.

Leaving for Abby’s, it was only with great determination that Kevin met Aaron’s eyes before getting in the backseat after him. For the rest of the ride Aaron slept and Kevin stared out the window, lost in thoughts he wouldn’t be able to recall for the life of him. It was like being asleep with his eyes open. 

Abby greeted them with the same kindness as always, folding Kevin in a welcome hug. Wymack was sitting on the dinner table when they piled into the kitchen. Andrew headed to the fridge and pulled out some chocolate dessert cup, leaning against the fridge door and Neil sat down beside Wymack to peek into the laptop and see what he was working on. Wymack gestured Kevin closer to ask his advice on recruits so he took the other seat. 

“Neil should go pick her up. She needs to stay here until dorms open in the next few weeks”, Wymack stopped talking and looked to Andrew. “When are dorms opening, Andrew?” 

“Week after next”, Andrew said, monotonously stepping forward in curiosity to look at the freshman’s face on screen. She was his choice. Robin Cross. Wymack tried to grab the dessert cup out of his hand but Andrew skirted out of the way just in time and slumped down next to Neil. 

“Neil, as Captain”, Wymack said and Neil groaned, “you should go pick her up. I would go but what’s the point of having you then?” Neil rolled his eyes and took the laptop. A minute later he said: “Her record isn’t very good.” 

“Neither are you”, Andrew said. Neil ignored him.

“She might cause problems but a Fox is a Fox, Neil. We already made the choice”, Wymack said, standing up and grumbling about the crack everyone heard coming from his knees.

“Aaron and Nicky?” Wymack asked. 

“Nicky’s in Germany. He extended his stay like we all knew he would or he would’ve been here too”, Neil said. He didn’t bother to state Aaron’s whereabouts. Kevin realized no one ever really asked about Aaron unless absolutely necessary. Maybe it was because he was better at taking care of himself than everyone else. For the most part, Aaron always seemed far away from them and he actively avoided Neil’s presence if he could. He was usually there for team meetings and those dinners they started going on, though. Kevin wanted to ask him why. 

“Good that he isn’t. We’re out of rooms.”

“What do you mean?” Neil asked. 

“Couch isn’t fit for anyone sleeping on it. Three rooms. You and your boy get one, Kevin and Aaron get the other and Robin gets the last. Can’t make the freshman skittish on the first day, especially considering her background.” 

Kevin stopped listening. He didn’t know he’d be sharing with Aaron but he didn’t protest. He felt Andrew eyeing his silence and refused to meet his eyes, grabbing the laptop and familiarizing himself with Robin’s stats. Robin was the goalkeeper they would be picking up and, more or less, she was Andrew’s concern. Her stat’s really weren’t that great and her history was even worse, which could mean she might be a problem for the team. What better place for her than here? They were all used to problems. Problems were welcome.

“We’re going to the Court”, Kevin said, standing up. It was almost seven but no one said anything against it, not that Kevin would be willing to listen. This was the expected part of their return. Kevin wanted - needed - to settle into a routine before he fucked his life over staying awake thinking about a boy he had to share a room with now. 

After exhausting themselves on Court, his relief mirrored on Neil’s face, Andrew wordlessly headed to the grocery store where Kevin stocked up on as much vodka as he could get his hands on. Neil narrowed his eyes at him. 

“You can’t tell off Andrew for ruining his lungs when you’re killing your liver”, Neil said. Kevin was in a good mood from practice but he wasn’t in a good _enough_ mood. He had shared a room with Aaron because no one else was home. In a full house, he would resist the urge to kiss him just fine but he knew being back changed things. Despite their drunken conversation at Eden’s and easy familiarity, Kevin doubted Aaron would be willing to pursue this once the semester began. He wasn’t even sure Aaron would be willing to listen to him now that they were back at Abby’s. Perhaps the bubble of friendship and comfort they’d built over the past week or so had scattered into fragments. Soon, it would be like nothing had happened. Kevin distracted himself by grabbing another bottle. 

“Mind your own business”, he said to Neil, and rolled his aching shoulder. Neil’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“What’s your problem?” he asked, looking bothered for a reason Kevin didn’t understand. Kevin took a deep breath and ignored him. 

“See”, Neil said, as if it proved something. “You won’t even talk to us properly anymore. What the hell is going on?” 

Kevin’s heart clenched for a moment at Neil’s suspicion and he wasn’t sure if it was self-centred or not. “Us?” 

“Andrew”, Neil said in explanation. Kevin rolled his eyes.

Neil blew out a frustrated breath. “Don’t give me that, tell me what the hell is going on with you.” 

“Is that supposed to be an order, Captain?” Kevin said, with as much disapproval as he could. He didn’t even know where it came from, didn’t realize Neil’s unexpected position of authority would have this effect on him. “What the fuck would I talk about with you and Andrew?” he asked, in a low voice.

“Usually it was shutting you up that was the problem.”

“Well, it’s not anymore.” 

“Leave him alone.” Andrew’s voice was low but they both heard it. He didn’t know which one of them he was speaking to. Kevin looked at him and away before grabbing another bottle and keeping it in the trolley. Neil looked at Andrew apprehensively and let it go. 

Every time Kevin saw Andrew a warning sign flashed in his head,  _ he can’t know.  _ But he remembered the last time he’d kept something secret from Andrew and the bruises that had left behind. Andrew’s protective instincts extended to everyone who he stayed around and Kevin knew even if he stopped talking to Andrew entirely, he would _still_ step into a fight for Kevin’s sake. There wasn’t, however, going to be anyone there to defend him from Andrew if he found out about Kevin and Aaron. 

There wasn’t anything about it that should affect Kevin this much. He could live without Aaron - he should. He should stop this before it turned into a problem.

Maybe there was nothing to stop anymore, anyway. Maybe they would just forget about it. 

Kevin walked into their shared room to find Aaron scrolling through something on his phone. The bottle in his hand felt heavy and he was so hell bent on ignoring the state of his incredible affection towards Aaron lying on the bed that he almost tripped over nothing. Aaron looked up when he stumbled then his eyes travelled to the bottle. 

“Oh”, he said. Kevin blinked blearily and walked to where he thought the bed was. He collapsed on top of the sheet face first, his leg dangling off the side. Aaron reached over him to take the bottle and Kevin lifted his head to glare at him. He kept a strong hold on it but Aaron tugged it out of his hand as if it was weightless and huffed out a laugh after taking a swig. 

“I don’t like your brother”, Kevin mumbled into the sheets. He was pretty sure he was drooling but he had no energy to open his eyes. 

“I should hope not”, Aaron said. Kevin was silent for a moment then he sighed deeply and turned around to face the ceiling, holding his hand out for the bottle. Aaron moved it farther away from him. 

“Give”, Kevin said.

“No”, Aaron said and kept it away. “Go to sleep. It’s almost one a.m.” 

“You’re lying.”

“Yes. It’s eleven.”

“Rude”, Kevin whispered and felt himself give into slumber. 

  
  


They didn’t talk for days.

When Kevin woke up in the morning his arm was over Aaron’s waist, resting comfortably and he tried not to think about it as he left the bed and made his way to the kitchen. The freshman was already there, resigned and terrified and Kevin couldn’t help but look past her entirely. They drove to practice every alternate day, Robin’s playing aggravated him to no end, and Kevin stayed behind every night with Neil and Andrew who refused to make conversation. Still, the familiarity of being on court was at least a little relieving. He didn’t know what to do other than that so he drank more and ate less and slept very fitfully. 

When he got back from practice on Thursday, Aaron took the bottle away before he could start drinking. Kevin was too tired to argue so he turned to his side and feigned sleep. 

“Kevin”, Aaron called from behind him. 

Kevin felt the weight of his name only when Aaron said it. He felt so much for him he didn’t know what to do with it, anymore. Aaron hadn’t said anything to him, hadn’t even tried to pull him away for a kiss. He didn’t turn around and kept his eyes stubbornly closed. 

Aaron placed a hand on his shoulder and tugged at his shirt until Kevin turned. “What’s wrong?” Aaron asked, without hesitation. 

Kevin rubbed his eyes. “You tell me”, he said. 

“Tired of me already?” Aaron asked. Kevin wished in that moment that he was tired of Aaron, but, God help him, he wasn’t. He couldn’t even look away now that he had turned. How had this even happened? He kept staring at Aaron fondly, taking in his presence and the time for differences and similarities was long gone now. Kevin pulled him down with a hand behind his neck and kissed him. Aaron’s own hand rested on his cheek and when they broke apart, Aaron pushed Kevin’s hair back from his forehead and placed a kiss there too. 

“What is it?” Aaron asked again, settling his weight on Kevin like there’s no possibility anyone could walk into the room they’re sharing. 

Talking. They’re supposed to be good at talking. It was ultimately easier to talk about everyone else outside of a relationship than it was to talk about the two people actually involved in it. Were they in a relationship?

“It’s nothing”, Kevin said, shaking his head. 

“You can’t lie to me. I know you’re a Naruto fan.”

“I never said I was a fan.” 

Aaron raised an eyebrow and Kevin wanted to laugh. It was incredible how that worked but he resolutely kept his mouth shut. It probably showed on his face, though. 

“I don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t know what  _ I’m  _ doing”, Kevin said, eventually. 

“It matters to you, doesn’t it? Everyone knowing about us?” Aaron asked. _Us._

He was glad for all their conversations, he didn’t have to find the words when Aaron understood in only a few of them. He nodded and looked away. 

“It has to matter. It’s my last year, I’m going to be leaving and I-” 

Aaron waited for him to continue. 

“I still don’t know how to be alone”, he breathed. “I’m not used to it. I never know what to do with myself.”

Aaron stared at him. 

“And I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know when the expiry date to this is, whether you’ll even want this in a few days and where it’ll go before that. I don’t-” he paused. “I don’t know.” Silence. Kevin didn’t try to speak again.

Then, Aaron turned to lie on his back and turned Kevin’s face to the ceiling as well. Between them, Aaron took his hand. It was closing in on midnight and everyone was drifting in their own rooms and Kevin was drifting on this bed, holding hands with someone he liked more than he had ever liked anyone before. It would be so easy to ruin this too, he knew. Good things didn’t stay good for long, his life had a great attachment to messing up. 

“Why are we staring at the ceiling?”, he whispered. 

“I don’t know”, Aaron said. 

Kevin turned his face to look at Aaron who patiently turned Kevin’s face back to the ceiling. It was quiet for a long while and Kevin’s heartbeat slowed. He could hear the low hum of the TV Abby had probably fallen asleep in front of. He could hear the neighbours dog barking. 

“You’re a Naruto fan”, Aaron said softly, still looking up. 

“I am not a Naruto fan”, Kevin insisted, not raising his voice either.

“I can’t believe I like someone who’s probably obsessed with Naruto and Sasuke’s bond.”

Kevin’s heart stuttered. “How do you know about their bond?” 

“Shit.”

Kevin couldn’t help it, he laughed. Aaron laughed too. 

“If you tell anyone-”, Aaron began but Kevin shook his head. 

“I am never talking about Naruto with anyone.”

“Except me”, Aaron said, finally looking at him. 

“Except you”, he replied, looking back. He cleared his throat and turned his eyes to the ceiling. 

“I’m here, Kevin”, Aaron said, leaning his head against Kevin’s shoulder. 

Somehow, that was all Kevin needed to hear, in the moment. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if y'all found any typos! Hope y'all are well, take care, stay safe. comments and kudos are all very very very appreciated <3


	13. Nerds & Hummingbirds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why are hummingbirds stupid?” he asked, softly. Aaron took a massive gulp from the bottle before passing it over to Kevin.   
> “I’m glad you asked”, he said before he launched into a discussion, after which Kevin had to admit, the birds did seem kind of fucking dumb.

Kevin barely noticed time pass once the semester began. 

With the single-minded focus he was famous for he played every night and as the other teammates filled the echoing silence during practices, Kevin realized how much he would miss it here. 

It wasn’t the Foxes, not exactly, Kevin thought. Maybe he got attached to places easily. Sometimes he missed the massive Court at Edgar Allen but the terror that followed suit wasn’t ever worth it. 

“Where’s your mind at, Queen?!” one of the freshmen shouted. Or was he a sophomore now? Time is passing so quickly, Kevin thought and blinked. For a second he felt entirely alone, not only on the Court but entirely, wholly, in the universe. It was a suffocating feeling, he stared unblinking ahead of him and tried to bring himself back to his reality. His mouth was very dry but he shook his head to try and focus. 

He didn’t look around to see anyone’s concern. Or lack of it. 

If he had he may have noticed Aaron’s stillness or Neil’s frown. Even Andrew seemed to be cooperating more than normal. Maybe Aaron was grateful Kevin hadn’t looked his way because he didn’t know what he would have done. The urge to race after him, to catch up with him after practice and walk back to the dorms was endless in his heart and Aaron tried, as he knew he should, to resist. Why he should, he was unsure, but, taking Kevin’s hand in front of everyone wasn’t a comfort zone he was willing to step in, yet. He couldn’t blame himself for it and he knew Kevin wouldn’t either. 

_ Kevin Day,  _ Aaron thought, and decided. 

Kevin was quiet and he could feel the other man’s eyes burning holes in his back. It wasn’t until everyone had left that Neil approached him. 

“What happened?” 

It took Kevin two tries to find his voice, “Nothing.” 

“Kevin.” Disappointment. Again, Kevin thought. He was so thoroughly exhausted, it made him want to smash his head against the locker. He didn’t want Neil’s clinical concern out of captaincy, he didn’t want to explain himself. Or maybe he did, just not to Neil. He backtracked before replying, knowing it was unfair to the person who was trying, even if it wasn’t the way Kevin wanted him to. 

“It was nothing. I just need some sleep.” 

“No night practice for a week.” 

Kevin glared at Neil. 

“A day.”

“Two weeks”, Neil said, raising his eyebrows. Kevin glared harder. 

“Shut up, I’m not going to listen to you. You listen to me.”

“Kevin. You can’t play if you can barely breathe. I can see how exhausted you are, you can’t lie to me.”

Kevin rolled his eyes, shutting his locker and reaching for his bag. “I think I can handle myself.”

“I think you need to talk to Betsy.” 

Kevin stilled for a moment. “Mind your own business, Neil.” 

“I am minding my business, Kevin.”

Kevin walked out the locker room without bothering to reply. He was too tired to argue, too tired really to even play Exy and if that wouldn’t get a rise out of him then nothing could. Sleep, he often thought, was a gift to humanity. Kevin loved to sleep like he loved very few things and it would be his favorite thing to do if only it was easy for him to do so. He could count on his hands the amount of times he had gotten a restful sleep and with the chaos of a last year in university and a billion Exy games in front of him his mind refused to stay silent. There was always something to be done and if he didn’t manage to do it, he’d suffer the consequences and he had no intention of- 

But the consequences weren’t as severe as they used to be, he wondered, as he pulled out a drink from the fridge. He didn’t look at the bottle, wasn’t concerned with what was in it and he drank with a speed unparalleled. Slumping down on the couch in the main room, he looked at the ceiling. 

Couches and ceilings, that was his life. 

Not exy. Not history. Not the lasagna from Sweetie’s. Or gummy bears. Or the book Wymack had given him last year when they won semifinals.  _ A gift.  _

No, on days like this he couldn’t bring himself to think of the good. So he urged himself to think of the bad because, as much as he wanted to, he could never stop thinking of  _ something.  _ He thought about Jean and wondered once more and how he was faring well after a year with the Trojans, according to Renee’s last message when Kevin had asked. Kevin wanted to ask Jean himself. 

He thought about how alone he was, once again. And next year, when his days of being a Fox were over he’d have to come back to this silence and drink himself to sleep like he was used to. There were things he knew how to do and things he wanted to learn but there was nothing to look forward to. 

And when it all spiralled in his head once more and he couldn’t differentiate one thought from the other, he let himself think of _ him _ . 

He thought about where Aaron would fit in the picture of Kevin’s life. Beside him or out of it, entirely? 

_ I’m here now, Kevin.  _

Aaron had stayed with him, then. Kissed him over and over again, his lips and eyes and the tattoo on his face. Kevin had wished in those seconds that he could let time stay still, but time didn’t wait for him. And it never would. 

His phone buzzed and he stared at it. He thought it was a message so he let it be but then it began to ring so he began to glare at it. He didn’t check the caller ID before picking up. 

“What?” he asked, quietly in case it wasn’t one of the Foxes. 

“Where are you?” 

He shouldn’t have been shocked by Aaron’s voice but he was. He was, impressively, a little thrilled to hear it. 

“Room”, he said, simply. 

“Is anyone-”

“No”, Kevin said before Aaron could finish the sentence. “No one’s here.”

“Okay. I’m coming.” 

Then, he hung up. Kevin breathed. 

Sometimes he observed himself in a way that made him almost want to laugh. It was easier to believe that the things which happened to him were happening to Kevin, the son of Exy and not Kevin, the son of Kayleigh Day and David Wymack. But when Aaron spoke to him he felt more like himself than anytime else. And that made both Kevin’s in his head point fingers and laugh.

He knew it wasn’t a good idea to take one person’s words so seriously but no one else spoke to him with such effect. Aaron was his friend. Well, more than his friend but he couldn’t help but think that there was a great deal of comfort in whatever they had with each other.

Aaron knocked and Kevin startled before realizing Aaron didn’t have the keys to this room, anymore. He stood, depositing the bottle on a table, before opening the door. Aaron stepped inside and locked the door behind him before pulling Kevin down to kiss him. Kevin kissed back with the same eagerness and ran his fingers through Aaron’s hair, pulling him closer. They didn’t bother moving inside, kissing against the wall, breathless. One of Aaron’s hands slipped under Kevin’s shirt, the other tugging at his hair, as Kevin kissed his jaw. 

Quietly, they moved away from each other and when Kevin met Aaron’s eyes he let his shoulders slump and looked away, overwhelmed. Aaron turned his face back and kissed him the same soft way he had soon after he’d said  _ I’m here now, Kevin.  _ Kevin realized he didn’t need to hear the words again because he’d believed them so fully the first time. 

Aaron didn’t ask what was wrong with him or what had happened. He took Kevin’s hand and noticing the drink on the table, grabbed it as well before dragging Kevin to the couch. 

“Put something on”, he said, gesturing to the TV. Kevin stared at him with dead eyes. 

“Fine”, Aaron said after a moment and, suddenly, Kevin thought he would leave. He reached for the remote and his hand brushed Aaron’s when he realized, foolishly, that Aaron had no intention of going away. 

He opened the TV and switched the channels until it landed on some nature documentary. Maybe he would bore Aaron out of his life, he thought. But Aaron grabbed the bottle and sat down beside Kevin, leaning his head on Kevin’s shoulder. 

“I was watching this a few days ago”, Aaron said. “Hummingbirds are so stupid.”

Kevin turned to stare at Aaron.  _ This  _ wasn’t boring? Everyone usually assumed Kevin was watching Exy games on his laptop but he’d become a great big fan of documentaries while he was at the Nest because they seemed far more peaceful than half the action films everyone else seemed to be so interested in. Kevin usually watched movies with a certain wonder but he had a habit of being consoled by facts, not fiction. 

“Why are hummingbirds stupid?” he asked, softly. Aaron took a massive gulp from the bottle before passing it over to Kevin. 

“I’m glad you asked”, he said before he launched into a discussion after which Kevin had to admit, the birds did seem kind of fucking dumb. 

“They’re so small, though. Like tiny”, Aaron finished.

“Just like-” 

“Sprite in your coffee, Kevin. Sprite in your coffee.” 

Kevin smiled and hid it behind the bottle. Aaron took it back and stared at him, his eyes a mix of concern and affection.

At some point, Kevin had wrapped his arms around Aaron’s shoulders and Aaron had fully slumped into his chest. He leaned forward to bump his forehead against Aaron’s and didn’t answer the question in Aaron’s eyes. 

Aaron wouldn’t ask, too afraid to break the peace. Besides, he couldn’t force Kevin to talk even if he wanted to listen. Kevin could give him as much of an explanation as he’d given Neil. 

“I can’t sleep”, Kevin said. “Nightmares.” 

“Oh”, Aaron said. “Get something for it.” 

“Okay, doctor.” Aaron rolled his eyes. Kevin reached for the bottle and swirled it around, pointedly, even though it was almost empty. Aaron looked like he was fighting sleep himself when he said, “Not that, idiot.” 

“Are you going to tell me to talk to Betsy as well?”

“Who told you to talk to Betsy?” 

“Neil.”

“He’s right. Don’t tell him I said that.” 

Kevin sighed. “I don’t want to talk to anyone who isn’t you.”

“Yes, I do have a great personality”, Aaron said and Kevin cleared his throat as if to imply otherwise. 

“Rude”, Aaron said.

It was quiet for the next few minutes as they sat together and Kevin thought,  _ why can’t it always be this way?  _

Going from not wanting anything to remain the same, to wanting this one spark over and over again was a big change in his life, but a welcome one. 

“I’ve never spoken to her, you know that. I don’t know how to accept her help”, Aaron stated.

“Neither do I. I’m not used to it.” 

“It’s about time you let someone help you, Kevin.”

“And who helps you?” Kevin asked. They were lying down now and Aaron nuzzled his face into Kevin’s neck. 

“I have people. Surprisingly, my only interaction  _ isn’t _ with the Foxes.”

“Nerds, you mean.” 

“Being a nerd is a badge of honour.”

Kevin huffed. “No, it’s not.”

“Better than you, classic stupid jock.”

He shook his head, laughing. “You’re an athlete too, Aaron. Multitasking doesn’t make it better.” 

“Yes, but I’m smarter than all of you.” 

“That’s not true,'' Kevin drawled. “You can’t prove it.” 

Aaron kissed his neck to distract him. 

After Aaron left, Kevin sat on the couch and watched the rest of the documentary without him. It was too long and Kevin kept thinking, If hummingbirds are so dumb why is there such a long documentary about them? But perhaps it was a blessing because he fell asleep on the couch soon after. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone tries to ask me why hummingbirds are dumb i'm gonna throw hands


End file.
